New JPost!

We have to stop doing our enemy's job for them. The Palestinians may as well go on vacation!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/palestinian-vacation-letter-mahmoud-abbas

New JPost Post!

Time to be honest about Israel's new ad campagin!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/admit-it-being-honest-about-israel%E2%80%99s-%E2%80%98controversial%E2%80%99-ad-campaign

New JPost! Please Read, Respond, and Share!

I have written and posted many articles here before. I beg of you to read this one. If you are a Jew in College in America, know one, were one, will be one, or are just concerned with the status quo of anti-Zionism on college campuses please read this. If you disagree please tell me so in the comment section under the post. I would be happy to engage in a conversation. Please read, respond, and share. Thanks.

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/american-jew-college

New JPost Article

UK Journalist Deborah Orr's disgusting anti-Semitic explanation for the Shalit deal can not go unnoticed! My newest post-The Middle Eastern MVP on JPost! Get mad and get active!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/middle-eastern-mvp

New Article For JPost on Pollard!

It is time to bring Jonathan Pollard Home! Here is my new article, Saving Pollard-The Alice Cooper Plan, for JPost! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/saving-pollard-alice-cooper-plan

New JPost Satire!

Funny bone frozen? E-TONE is here for you with a funny yet sad satire! Announcement of Gilo Construction Kills 5!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/announcement-gilo-construction-kills-5

New JPost Article!

Pulpit Peril-Why we must be careful before declaring Obama has "turned the corner" on Israel! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/pulpit-peril

New JPostX2!

Child's play at the UN! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/childs-play-un

New Jpost on Tisha B'Av and Gilad Shalit!

Man on trial! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/man-trial

New Serious Post!

The 'Israeli Summer': Contrasts in dissention! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/israeli-summer-contrasts-dissention

Radio feud: Mark Levin vs. Thomas Friedman

New JPost Article! Radio fued: Mark Levin vs. Thomas Friedman! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/radio-feud-mark-levin-vs-thomas-friedman

New Satire!

Delta Airlines reaches compromise! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/delta-airlines-reaches-compromise

New Serious Post!

On donuts, Ilan Grapel, and Zionsim! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/donuts-ilan-grapel-and-zionism

New Serious JPost!

Shearing the wolf: Judaism in America! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/shearing-wolf-judaism-america

New serious JPost article!

The Embers of Jewish Pride and Eternality! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/embers-jewish-pride-and-eternality

New JPoster!

Even Hillary Clinton to stop taking herself seriously! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/even-hillary-clinton-stop-taking-herself-seriously

New JPost!

Hamas admits to meeting PA on JDate! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/hamas-admits-meeting-pa-jdate

Serious Post for the Post!

Serious Post for the Post! Surround yourself in us: A response to a response! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/surround-yourself-us-response-response

New Post for the Post from Jerusalem!

UC campuses to be part of Palestinian State! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/uc-campuses-be-part-palestinian-state

New JPost Post!

Zuckerberg and Hamas: A Facebook romance! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/zuckerberg-and-hamas-facebook-romance

New JPosti!

NPR hires DJ G Had! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/npr-hires-dj-g-had

A Serious Jpost Post

A serious Jpost Post on what being a "Zionist" means to me. Wave Your Flag. Enjoy.

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/wave-your-flag

Fresh of the presses Post post!

J Street to become Palestine-America Highway! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/j-street-become-palestine-america-highway

New post for the Post!

Obama: Iranian ships probably just chasing errant shuffleboard puck! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/obama-iranian-ships-probably-just-chasing-errant-shuffleboard-puck

New JPostX2!

Return of Glee ends riots in Egypt! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/return-glee-ends-riots-egypt

NEW JPOST...POST

Muslim Brotherhood beer-pong tournament canceled due to riots

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/muslim-brotherhood-beer-pong-tournament-canceled-due-riots

E-TONE HAS MOVED TO THE JPOST!!

It is with great excitement that I announce E-TONE is on the move once more. E-TONE, the blog of your youth, has now officially moved to the Jerusalem Post! Seriously. This is not a satire. Fine, don't believe me? Here is the first of hopefully many more posts. Thank you for your continued support, now lets show the JPost which Middle East political satire blog has the best readership in the world. Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/abbas-%E2%80%98napkin-maps%E2%80%99-really-just-ketchup-stain

Israeli Society at Standstill Due to Journalist’s “Writer’s Block”

Fail.

All important issues facing the nation of Israel were put on hold today when it was officially announced that E-TONE journalist Doni Kandel “is suffering from a severe case of “writer’s block””. The improbability of Kandel being able to lampoon significant events in order to give people a fresh and unique view of the world during these scary times has convinced most important political and social leaders to put any important activities on hold until the writer’s wit and creative mojo returns.

Opposition Leader Tzipi Livni told reporters that she had penciled in a large chunk of airtime today dedicated to “a plethora of new nasty things to call Ehud Barak for abandoning the Labor Party but I was forced to cancel when I was informed that the only jokes Doni would be able to come up with would conflict with his political viewpoint. I was loath to put him in that position so we will have to reschedule.”  She did however mouth to reporters that Barak is a “cow”.

Yesha Council President Dani Dayan also withheld the announcement of new construction in a number of settlements in Gaza and the West Bank. “I really feel for the guy,” Dayan expressing his sympathy for the obstructed Kandel said Monday, “I mean once you’ve heard one Gaza Strip joke you’ve really heard them all.”

Ehud Olmert, when news of the journalists mind being caught in a literary vise reached him, was reportedly seen repeatedly doing “the wiping the sweat off the forehead” motion in relief (also known as "phew"ing). “It looks like I really picked a good week for reports of more fraud, plus that I tried to trade 98% of Israel away, to come out at the same time,” Olmert said gleefully on the steps of a Tel Aviv court house.

Kandel, when asked about his recent struggles, tried desperately not to put too much pressure or blame on himself. “You have to cut me some slack here; unfortunately, it has not been a big week for Anti-Semitism.”

Although some believed this very article would get the writer out of his writing funk it now appears that he has again hit a mental roadblock. Wait a minute, mental roadblock…IDF roadblock…there’s a joke here somewhere…and its gone.

It remains unclear when the fog will lift for Kandel and E-TONE will once again be up and running normally, however, all this reporter knows is…that he can’t figure out a clever way to end this article. The end(?).

Israel Considering Settler Freeze

There have been reports that the Knesset is considering freezing settlers in lieu of freezing settlements as a unilateral symbol of good faith. Both the American and Israeli governments have expressed hope that freezing of those dwelling beyond the green line will be a concession far too impressive for the Palestinians to ignore.

Naturally, the controversial proposal has proven to be far more complicated than first thought.  A debate has broken out among the concerned parties over the details of the actual freezing. The Israelis, ahead of the technology curve as always, have suggested cryogenics as the preferred method. The Palestinians have planted their flag in the “hose them down and toss them in a walk-in freezer” camp. A middle ground between these two positions may be difficult to reach.  Knesset members from multiple parties have expressed concerns about garnering public support for cryogenics, let alone the freezer method. MK Areyeh Eldad explained to reporters, “Sure Austin Powers made cryogenics look like fun and games, but there is no forgetting the utter look of anguish embalmed on Han Solo’s face when Darth Vader has him cryogenically frozen in Cloud City.  The Israeli public is far too intelligent to be led to believe their experience will be otherwise.”

The “hose and freezer” method has not only caused strife between Israel and the Palestinians, but between Israel and America. Israel has demanded that America provide the water, a sparse commodity in the region, if this method is ultimately selected. America has agreed but will only commit to providing the Israelis with Poland Springs brand water. Israel is reportedly seeking Evian or Dasani. “It’s not like we’re asking for Fiji Water here!” exclaimed Defense Minister Ehud Barak in frustration.

Shas MK Eli Yishai, notorious for offering his vote to the highest bidder, has offered to vote in favor of freezing only if Bibi will guarantee that once the freezing passes and the settlers have been thawed, the left over ice chips go to the ultra-orthodox community for chilling soda at their traditional Friday nightTish.  Conversely, Yishai has told settlers he will vote against the proposal in exchange for them supplying every ultra-orthodox child with a (non-human) popsicle.  Yishai cautioned the settlers however that, “those weird Israeli popsicles with gummies inside will not suffice.”

Several Left Wing and Arab factions have opposed this new plan because it does not include freezing Jewish residents of East Jerusalem. However, it does not appear that the Knesset will seek to impose the freezing on the Jerusalemites. President Shimon Peres explained, “With all those wind tunnels and cold Jerusalem stone facades the people of Jerusalem are cold enough.”

Peace Now chairman Yariv Oppenheimer has expressed enthusiastic support for the plan. “I hope we can freeze the settlers as soon as possible,” Oppenheimer told reporters.  “They have been stealing warmth from the Arabs for far too long.”  When asked about the potential violation of the Israeli’s rights if they are forced to be frozen against their will, Oppenheimer responded, “What Israeli rights?”

Ehud Olmert, the disgraced former Prime Minister, will once again be brought up on new corruption charges after using inside sources in the Knesset for financial gain. Upon hearing the freezing plans, Olmert allegedly bought up a large number of stocks in both Israeli and American freezer making companies such as SubZero and Bekko.  A petition to freeze him has begun making its round in the Knesset.

American Vice President Joe Biden was unavailable for comment after he ran out of the White House chasing a, “sudden unexplainable craving for ice cream.” 

Amar’e Stoudemire “Flips Out”; Teammates Frustrated

When Amar’e Stoudemire, who signed a five year $100 million contract with the New York Knicks this summer, discovered and connected with his Jewish roots in Israel over the off-season, the Big Apple (containing the largest Jewish population in America) was thrilled. However, the feel-good vibes once emanating from the newest member of the Chosen People has since deteriorated into feelings of resentment and hostility among his teammates, and not without good reason.

Amar’e allegedly refused to play in the Knicks  game against the Chicago Bulls on Christmas Day because he “staunchly oppose[d] being forced to glorify a holiday that contradicts his faith. Besides, the game was right after Shabbat lunch and the Cholent was still gonna be kicking around in my tummy.” Knicks players claim that this is merely the last in a long series of frustrating declarations Amar’e has made since returning from the Holy Land.

Rabbi Zvi Sobolofsky of Yeshiva University in New York told reporters he believes Amar’e is going through a very common maturation phase in modern Jewish development known as “Flipping Out”. “Flipping out,” Rabbi Sobolofsky explained, “is when a Jewish American teenager goes to Yeshiva or Seminary in Israel for the year and comes back ultra-observant and extremely judgmental.  It seems to me that Mr. Stoudemire certainly has flipped out on his trip to Israel and this can often lead to messy arguments and hurt feelings. Tensions tend to rise especially with  people from the flipee’s past.”  

It was reported that Amar’e was incensed before a pre-season game after being informed he would not be allowed to play in his warm-up pants. The referees steadfastly denied Stoudemire despite his passionate appeals that his shorts were “soooo not tznius (modest)”.  This was hardly the only time Amar’e has befuddled his teammates and coaches with his new vocabulary. There were reports that Knicks practice absolutely froze last week after Stoudemire called for the ball in Yiddish. Knick’s guard Raymond Felton told reporters “I just let the ball fall right then and there and we all stared at him for a good two minutes. By the time one of us had the courage to respond “say what?” Amar’e was already sitting on the bench with his head buried in that Talmud thing, complaining about bitul zman (Ed: halachik prohibition against wasting time that could be spent learning Torah) or something like that. And then there was the confusion with Gallinari”.

Danilo Gallinari is the Knicks second year guard from Italy who used to look up to Stoudemire, a veteran, for advice on all things basketball. “I asked Amar’e what he thinks I should use to ice my sore shoulder after practice,” Gallinari somberly told reporters, “He told me “come on! Use you Kup”. I did not know Kup meant brain in Yiddish. I am still paying for that miscommunication.”

Knicks head coach Mike De’Antoni has similarly struggled with Stoudemire’s new attitude, finding himself constantly begging his superstar to score more points, even if his total won’t come out in a multiple of 18.
Amar’e has not only made it uncomfortable for his teammates on the court, but in the locker room as well. Knicks backup center Ronnie Turiaf expressed his concerns over post-game showering with Amar’e. “I'm not saying we are gonna have an Arenas episode (Ed: former Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas was suspended for a season after bringing guns into the locker room) but I see the condescending looks he shoots at us when we are toweling off. A surprise circumcision attack would not be out of the question and we are all on edge (no pun intended).”

The Knicks have tried to use other, more enlightened, Jewish NBA players to appeal to Stoudemire to tone down the disruptive attitude but to no avail. Omri Casspi, the first Israeli to ever play in the NBA, was shot down by Amar’e because, “he thought he saw me at the bottom of Ben Yehdah Street in Jerusalem running around drunk with girls. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye.”  Jordan Farmer was even less successful. “Amar’e told me that my appearance on the Chabad Telethon hardly made me a real Jew. And I don’t know what the heck is a shkutz is but I know I should be insulted.”

When asked if he was worried about being labeled the most hated Jew in professional sports he casually responded, “Not as long as Donald Sterling still owns the Clippers.” He then stared a hole through a reporter at the Kraft Food Services table who was making himself a ham sandwich, got up, and left the podium grumbling to himself.