Fresh of the presses Post post!

J Street to become Palestine-America Highway! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/j-street-become-palestine-america-highway

New post for the Post!

Obama: Iranian ships probably just chasing errant shuffleboard puck! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/obama-iranian-ships-probably-just-chasing-errant-shuffleboard-puck

New JPostX2!

Return of Glee ends riots in Egypt! Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/return-glee-ends-riots-egypt

NEW JPOST...POST

Muslim Brotherhood beer-pong tournament canceled due to riots

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/muslim-brotherhood-beer-pong-tournament-canceled-due-riots

E-TONE HAS MOVED TO THE JPOST!!

It is with great excitement that I announce E-TONE is on the move once more. E-TONE, the blog of your youth, has now officially moved to the Jerusalem Post! Seriously. This is not a satire. Fine, don't believe me? Here is the first of hopefully many more posts. Thank you for your continued support, now lets show the JPost which Middle East political satire blog has the best readership in the world. Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/abbas-%E2%80%98napkin-maps%E2%80%99-really-just-ketchup-stain

Israeli Society at Standstill Due to Journalist’s “Writer’s Block”

Fail.

All important issues facing the nation of Israel were put on hold today when it was officially announced that E-TONE journalist Doni Kandel “is suffering from a severe case of “writer’s block””. The improbability of Kandel being able to lampoon significant events in order to give people a fresh and unique view of the world during these scary times has convinced most important political and social leaders to put any important activities on hold until the writer’s wit and creative mojo returns.

Opposition Leader Tzipi Livni told reporters that she had penciled in a large chunk of airtime today dedicated to “a plethora of new nasty things to call Ehud Barak for abandoning the Labor Party but I was forced to cancel when I was informed that the only jokes Doni would be able to come up with would conflict with his political viewpoint. I was loath to put him in that position so we will have to reschedule.”  She did however mouth to reporters that Barak is a “cow”.

Yesha Council President Dani Dayan also withheld the announcement of new construction in a number of settlements in Gaza and the West Bank. “I really feel for the guy,” Dayan expressing his sympathy for the obstructed Kandel said Monday, “I mean once you’ve heard one Gaza Strip joke you’ve really heard them all.”

Ehud Olmert, when news of the journalists mind being caught in a literary vise reached him, was reportedly seen repeatedly doing “the wiping the sweat off the forehead” motion in relief (also known as "phew"ing). “It looks like I really picked a good week for reports of more fraud, plus that I tried to trade 98% of Israel away, to come out at the same time,” Olmert said gleefully on the steps of a Tel Aviv court house.

Kandel, when asked about his recent struggles, tried desperately not to put too much pressure or blame on himself. “You have to cut me some slack here; unfortunately, it has not been a big week for Anti-Semitism.”

Although some believed this very article would get the writer out of his writing funk it now appears that he has again hit a mental roadblock. Wait a minute, mental roadblock…IDF roadblock…there’s a joke here somewhere…and its gone.

It remains unclear when the fog will lift for Kandel and E-TONE will once again be up and running normally, however, all this reporter knows is…that he can’t figure out a clever way to end this article. The end(?).

Israel Considering Settler Freeze

There have been reports that the Knesset is considering freezing settlers in lieu of freezing settlements as a unilateral symbol of good faith. Both the American and Israeli governments have expressed hope that freezing of those dwelling beyond the green line will be a concession far too impressive for the Palestinians to ignore.

Naturally, the controversial proposal has proven to be far more complicated than first thought.  A debate has broken out among the concerned parties over the details of the actual freezing. The Israelis, ahead of the technology curve as always, have suggested cryogenics as the preferred method. The Palestinians have planted their flag in the “hose them down and toss them in a walk-in freezer” camp. A middle ground between these two positions may be difficult to reach.  Knesset members from multiple parties have expressed concerns about garnering public support for cryogenics, let alone the freezer method. MK Areyeh Eldad explained to reporters, “Sure Austin Powers made cryogenics look like fun and games, but there is no forgetting the utter look of anguish embalmed on Han Solo’s face when Darth Vader has him cryogenically frozen in Cloud City.  The Israeli public is far too intelligent to be led to believe their experience will be otherwise.”

The “hose and freezer” method has not only caused strife between Israel and the Palestinians, but between Israel and America. Israel has demanded that America provide the water, a sparse commodity in the region, if this method is ultimately selected. America has agreed but will only commit to providing the Israelis with Poland Springs brand water. Israel is reportedly seeking Evian or Dasani. “It’s not like we’re asking for Fiji Water here!” exclaimed Defense Minister Ehud Barak in frustration.

Shas MK Eli Yishai, notorious for offering his vote to the highest bidder, has offered to vote in favor of freezing only if Bibi will guarantee that once the freezing passes and the settlers have been thawed, the left over ice chips go to the ultra-orthodox community for chilling soda at their traditional Friday nightTish.  Conversely, Yishai has told settlers he will vote against the proposal in exchange for them supplying every ultra-orthodox child with a (non-human) popsicle.  Yishai cautioned the settlers however that, “those weird Israeli popsicles with gummies inside will not suffice.”

Several Left Wing and Arab factions have opposed this new plan because it does not include freezing Jewish residents of East Jerusalem. However, it does not appear that the Knesset will seek to impose the freezing on the Jerusalemites. President Shimon Peres explained, “With all those wind tunnels and cold Jerusalem stone facades the people of Jerusalem are cold enough.”

Peace Now chairman Yariv Oppenheimer has expressed enthusiastic support for the plan. “I hope we can freeze the settlers as soon as possible,” Oppenheimer told reporters.  “They have been stealing warmth from the Arabs for far too long.”  When asked about the potential violation of the Israeli’s rights if they are forced to be frozen against their will, Oppenheimer responded, “What Israeli rights?”

Ehud Olmert, the disgraced former Prime Minister, will once again be brought up on new corruption charges after using inside sources in the Knesset for financial gain. Upon hearing the freezing plans, Olmert allegedly bought up a large number of stocks in both Israeli and American freezer making companies such as SubZero and Bekko.  A petition to freeze him has begun making its round in the Knesset.

American Vice President Joe Biden was unavailable for comment after he ran out of the White House chasing a, “sudden unexplainable craving for ice cream.”