United Nations to Blame for Decrease in Omri Casspi’s Minuets

As the 2009/2010 NBA regular season winds down, one of its greatest mysteries may have finally been solved.  The seemingly unwarranted decrease in minuets for the first Israeli-born NBA player, Sacramento Kings forward Omri Casspi, had left many in the Jewish community wondering if this was yet another sign of an impending holocaust in the United States. NBA Commissioner David Stern put all concerns to rest Tuesday morning when he announced that it was not the U.S. that was responsible for Casspi’s benching, but the act of another nefarious acronym, the UN. The Commissioner revealed what was originally a covert demand by the UN Human Rights Council to King’s head coach Paul Westphal approximately two months ago to reduce Casspi’s minuets as a “punishment for Israel’s crimes against humanity and an act of reconciliation for the Palestinian people”. Rabbi, Marvin Hier, dean and founder of the Simon Wiesenthal Center and its Museum of Tolerance (and more importantly a two time Academy Award winner), expressed his relief later that day that, “it was not some new-age American anti-Semitism. I was so happy when I learned that it was just plain old run-of-the-mill UN anti-Semitism”.  

UNHRC President Alex Van Meeuwen added in a statement yesterday, “that not only was Omri punished for the crimes of his government, but for the crimes he himself committed and continues to commit on U.S. soil as well”. When pressed by reporters as to specifics of these alleged crimes Meeuwen rattled off a long list of reported offenses. “We have received many confirmed reports of Mr. Casspi’s transgressions, the most basic being his unrelenting shooting and stealing. Other reports describe him as a highly-skilled slasher who knows how to cut. There have been accusations of him establishing an illegal defense, in which he sets up a zone for his opponents. It is also ironic that Israel accuses Hamas of using children as human shields since Mr. Casspi has used center Jon Brockman as a human screen on nearly a nightly basis. We are also investigating the allegations that he sometimes shoots bombs from downtown. All of these allegations and more have been confirmed by the highly respected organizations ESPN, Fox Sports Network, Marv Albert, and the Muslim Brotherhood”. 

While Commissioner Stern expressed the league’s official weariness of the report, a small number of active and retired NBA players have individually come out in support of the move, namely Shareef Abdur-Rahim, Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, and Dirk Nowitzki. Additionally TNT’s NBA analyst Charles Barkley deemed the Israelis and Casspi, “turrable, just turrable”.

While Casspi himself has not responded to the report as of yet, Israeli Prime Minster Bibi Netanyahu made a desperate plea to both the UN and the NBA yesterday. “I am thoroughly frustrated with the lack of even-handedness in the UN. Aside from the one-sided Israel bashing, why is the UN and the NBA wasting its time and resources investigating an innocent Israeli player when it should be putting all its efforts into solving the  ever-present Iranian problem? We must explore all possible actions that can be taken to stop Northern Iowa’s second generation Iranian, Ali Farokhmanesh, from entering next year’s draft”. As a side note Netanyahu suggested that” if Farokhmanesh must be allowed play in the NBA then he should at least be contained and exposed to as few people as possible”. In response to the Prime Ministers suggestion, the NBA is currently in the process of convincing the Clippers to draft him.