American Jews Cancel Holiday because “Jerusalem Day Just Sounds Ridiculous”

Early Tuesday morning, a coalition of Jewish leaders in America, spanning from Reform to Ultra-Orthodox, unanimously announced the cancellation of the holiday that was to be celebrated later that night and Wednesday morning commemorating Israel’s re-capturing of Jerusalem in 1967. The American leaders canceled the joyous holiday, known as Yom Yerushalayim in Israel, because “Jerusalem Day just sounds ridiculous”. 

Ronald Lauder, President of the World Jewish Congress told reporters, “In Israel at least they got the whole alliteration thing going for them. It rolls off the tongue. Jerusalem Day just sounds like the day in school your teachers tell you to show up dressed like our forefathers and mothers. I hated that day, you try wearing a homemade turban in the scorching heat for eight hours”.  It was later reported that Mr. Lauder’s view on the subject might have been tainted by the fact that his mother always insisted he dress up as Isaac, which inevitably led to the annual tie down and sacrificial ceremony of little Ronnie Lauder by the local bullies.

This is not the first time American Jewish pronunciation has put ancient tradition in jeopardy.  In 1983, the minutes of a meeting held by the National Council of Young Israel were leaked to the press. On the agenda for that meeting was a debate on whether or not to abolish the large loafs of bread, called “challah” in Hebrew, as an essential part of the Sabbath meal due to the American Jew’s long and perilous struggle with the sound “chhhh”. In the end, the potentially huge religious crisis was averted when the council approved the pronunciation “hallah” no mater how unbearably stupid it sounds.

When asked why the American Jewish Community did not seek a similar solution for the Celebration of the miracle of G-d’s returning of the single most important geographical icon in Jewish life, J Street Director Jeremy Ben-Ami answered astutely, “What’s the connection? This is American Jewish life; everyone knows hallah is an imperative staple of the Jewish conscience. Let me know when Jerusalem is considers as such”.