E-TONE HAS MOVED TO THE JPOST!!

It is with great excitement that I announce E-TONE is on the move once more. E-TONE, the blog of your youth, has now officially moved to the Jerusalem Post! Seriously. This is not a satire. Fine, don't believe me? Here is the first of hopefully many more posts. Thank you for your continued support, now lets show the JPost which Middle East political satire blog has the best readership in the world. Enjoy!

http://blogs.jpost.com/content/abbas-%E2%80%98napkin-maps%E2%80%99-really-just-ketchup-stain

Israeli Society at Standstill Due to Journalist’s “Writer’s Block”

Fail.

All important issues facing the nation of Israel were put on hold today when it was officially announced that E-TONE journalist Doni Kandel “is suffering from a severe case of “writer’s block””. The improbability of Kandel being able to lampoon significant events in order to give people a fresh and unique view of the world during these scary times has convinced most important political and social leaders to put any important activities on hold until the writer’s wit and creative mojo returns.

Opposition Leader Tzipi Livni told reporters that she had penciled in a large chunk of airtime today dedicated to “a plethora of new nasty things to call Ehud Barak for abandoning the Labor Party but I was forced to cancel when I was informed that the only jokes Doni would be able to come up with would conflict with his political viewpoint. I was loath to put him in that position so we will have to reschedule.”  She did however mouth to reporters that Barak is a “cow”.

Yesha Council President Dani Dayan also withheld the announcement of new construction in a number of settlements in Gaza and the West Bank. “I really feel for the guy,” Dayan expressing his sympathy for the obstructed Kandel said Monday, “I mean once you’ve heard one Gaza Strip joke you’ve really heard them all.”

Ehud Olmert, when news of the journalists mind being caught in a literary vise reached him, was reportedly seen repeatedly doing “the wiping the sweat off the forehead” motion in relief (also known as "phew"ing). “It looks like I really picked a good week for reports of more fraud, plus that I tried to trade 98% of Israel away, to come out at the same time,” Olmert said gleefully on the steps of a Tel Aviv court house.

Kandel, when asked about his recent struggles, tried desperately not to put too much pressure or blame on himself. “You have to cut me some slack here; unfortunately, it has not been a big week for Anti-Semitism.”

Although some believed this very article would get the writer out of his writing funk it now appears that he has again hit a mental roadblock. Wait a minute, mental roadblock…IDF roadblock…there’s a joke here somewhere…and its gone.

It remains unclear when the fog will lift for Kandel and E-TONE will once again be up and running normally, however, all this reporter knows is…that he can’t figure out a clever way to end this article. The end(?).

Israel Considering Settler Freeze

There have been reports that the Knesset is considering freezing settlers in lieu of freezing settlements as a unilateral symbol of good faith. Both the American and Israeli governments have expressed hope that freezing of those dwelling beyond the green line will be a concession far too impressive for the Palestinians to ignore.

Naturally, the controversial proposal has proven to be far more complicated than first thought.  A debate has broken out among the concerned parties over the details of the actual freezing. The Israelis, ahead of the technology curve as always, have suggested cryogenics as the preferred method. The Palestinians have planted their flag in the “hose them down and toss them in a walk-in freezer” camp. A middle ground between these two positions may be difficult to reach.  Knesset members from multiple parties have expressed concerns about garnering public support for cryogenics, let alone the freezer method. MK Areyeh Eldad explained to reporters, “Sure Austin Powers made cryogenics look like fun and games, but there is no forgetting the utter look of anguish embalmed on Han Solo’s face when Darth Vader has him cryogenically frozen in Cloud City.  The Israeli public is far too intelligent to be led to believe their experience will be otherwise.”

The “hose and freezer” method has not only caused strife between Israel and the Palestinians, but between Israel and America. Israel has demanded that America provide the water, a sparse commodity in the region, if this method is ultimately selected. America has agreed but will only commit to providing the Israelis with Poland Springs brand water. Israel is reportedly seeking Evian or Dasani. “It’s not like we’re asking for Fiji Water here!” exclaimed Defense Minister Ehud Barak in frustration.

Shas MK Eli Yishai, notorious for offering his vote to the highest bidder, has offered to vote in favor of freezing only if Bibi will guarantee that once the freezing passes and the settlers have been thawed, the left over ice chips go to the ultra-orthodox community for chilling soda at their traditional Friday nightTish.  Conversely, Yishai has told settlers he will vote against the proposal in exchange for them supplying every ultra-orthodox child with a (non-human) popsicle.  Yishai cautioned the settlers however that, “those weird Israeli popsicles with gummies inside will not suffice.”

Several Left Wing and Arab factions have opposed this new plan because it does not include freezing Jewish residents of East Jerusalem. However, it does not appear that the Knesset will seek to impose the freezing on the Jerusalemites. President Shimon Peres explained, “With all those wind tunnels and cold Jerusalem stone facades the people of Jerusalem are cold enough.”

Peace Now chairman Yariv Oppenheimer has expressed enthusiastic support for the plan. “I hope we can freeze the settlers as soon as possible,” Oppenheimer told reporters.  “They have been stealing warmth from the Arabs for far too long.”  When asked about the potential violation of the Israeli’s rights if they are forced to be frozen against their will, Oppenheimer responded, “What Israeli rights?”

Ehud Olmert, the disgraced former Prime Minister, will once again be brought up on new corruption charges after using inside sources in the Knesset for financial gain. Upon hearing the freezing plans, Olmert allegedly bought up a large number of stocks in both Israeli and American freezer making companies such as SubZero and Bekko.  A petition to freeze him has begun making its round in the Knesset.

American Vice President Joe Biden was unavailable for comment after he ran out of the White House chasing a, “sudden unexplainable craving for ice cream.” 

Amar’e Stoudemire “Flips Out”; Teammates Frustrated

When Amar’e Stoudemire, who signed a five year $100 million contract with the New York Knicks this summer, discovered and connected with his Jewish roots in Israel over the off-season, the Big Apple (containing the largest Jewish population in America) was thrilled. However, the feel-good vibes once emanating from the newest member of the Chosen People has since deteriorated into feelings of resentment and hostility among his teammates, and not without good reason.

Amar’e allegedly refused to play in the Knicks  game against the Chicago Bulls on Christmas Day because he “staunchly oppose[d] being forced to glorify a holiday that contradicts his faith. Besides, the game was right after Shabbat lunch and the Cholent was still gonna be kicking around in my tummy.” Knicks players claim that this is merely the last in a long series of frustrating declarations Amar’e has made since returning from the Holy Land.

Rabbi Zvi Sobolofsky of Yeshiva University in New York told reporters he believes Amar’e is going through a very common maturation phase in modern Jewish development known as “Flipping Out”. “Flipping out,” Rabbi Sobolofsky explained, “is when a Jewish American teenager goes to Yeshiva or Seminary in Israel for the year and comes back ultra-observant and extremely judgmental.  It seems to me that Mr. Stoudemire certainly has flipped out on his trip to Israel and this can often lead to messy arguments and hurt feelings. Tensions tend to rise especially with  people from the flipee’s past.”  

It was reported that Amar’e was incensed before a pre-season game after being informed he would not be allowed to play in his warm-up pants. The referees steadfastly denied Stoudemire despite his passionate appeals that his shorts were “soooo not tznius (modest)”.  This was hardly the only time Amar’e has befuddled his teammates and coaches with his new vocabulary. There were reports that Knicks practice absolutely froze last week after Stoudemire called for the ball in Yiddish. Knick’s guard Raymond Felton told reporters “I just let the ball fall right then and there and we all stared at him for a good two minutes. By the time one of us had the courage to respond “say what?” Amar’e was already sitting on the bench with his head buried in that Talmud thing, complaining about bitul zman (Ed: halachik prohibition against wasting time that could be spent learning Torah) or something like that. And then there was the confusion with Gallinari”.

Danilo Gallinari is the Knicks second year guard from Italy who used to look up to Stoudemire, a veteran, for advice on all things basketball. “I asked Amar’e what he thinks I should use to ice my sore shoulder after practice,” Gallinari somberly told reporters, “He told me “come on! Use you Kup”. I did not know Kup meant brain in Yiddish. I am still paying for that miscommunication.”

Knicks head coach Mike De’Antoni has similarly struggled with Stoudemire’s new attitude, finding himself constantly begging his superstar to score more points, even if his total won’t come out in a multiple of 18.
Amar’e has not only made it uncomfortable for his teammates on the court, but in the locker room as well. Knicks backup center Ronnie Turiaf expressed his concerns over post-game showering with Amar’e. “I'm not saying we are gonna have an Arenas episode (Ed: former Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas was suspended for a season after bringing guns into the locker room) but I see the condescending looks he shoots at us when we are toweling off. A surprise circumcision attack would not be out of the question and we are all on edge (no pun intended).”

The Knicks have tried to use other, more enlightened, Jewish NBA players to appeal to Stoudemire to tone down the disruptive attitude but to no avail. Omri Casspi, the first Israeli to ever play in the NBA, was shot down by Amar’e because, “he thought he saw me at the bottom of Ben Yehdah Street in Jerusalem running around drunk with girls. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye.”  Jordan Farmer was even less successful. “Amar’e told me that my appearance on the Chabad Telethon hardly made me a real Jew. And I don’t know what the heck is a shkutz is but I know I should be insulted.”

When asked if he was worried about being labeled the most hated Jew in professional sports he casually responded, “Not as long as Donald Sterling still owns the Clippers.” He then stared a hole through a reporter at the Kraft Food Services table who was making himself a ham sandwich, got up, and left the podium grumbling to himself.

The Unreasonable Neighbors

After moving to Israel I find myself attributing everyday experiences far more significance than I ever have before. I have begun to consider many of my occurrences, mundane and exhilarating alike, as a microcosm of the country as a whole. Encounters are scrutinized in search of lessons, and a month ago I learned such a lesson.

I am a college student and I just moved into a new apartment building with two other friends. In the new apartment we have been very mindful of the noise emanating from our walls. As of today we are yet to receive a complaint from a tenant in our building. Unfortunately, as I would come to learn, one need not live in the building to make a complaint.

While watching football one Sunday night (American football of course and it makes me sad that I live in a place where that distinction must be made), there began a sudden heavy pounding on our front door.  I went to the peephole and spied two men, very broad and very tall, slamming their fists against the door and incessantly ringing the bell. I decided that at one in the morning it would not be prudent to open the door for two complete strangers, goliath-sized no less, who were already visibly peeved. After approximately fifteen minutes of listening to our front door being physically abused our power was cut (our fuse box being ingeniously located in the hall way).They waited in the hall for us to come restore the power but eventually tiered and went home.

The next day, at around ten at night, the knocks of wrath began again. This time I decided it was time to face the music. After opening the door I noted that the two men were even bigger than they had appeared in the peephole. The older one asked me in broken English if he could come in. I calmly informed him that I did not think that was a very good idea considering I had no idea who he was. He responded that “he lived in the apartment building diagonal from me” with an Israeli inflection that implied that he should  be granted access to my living room while I get him a beer and a sandwich.  Again I politely denied. He then abandoned his plan to enter and began calmly and collectedly explaining his presence. He complained to me that “his apartment suffers from a terrible echo.” He said that he can see that our apartment does not have a rug or enough furniture, and thus our voices, while not being loud, are echoing directly into his apartment across the way. He concluded thusly that we must keep our main window closed at all times. Israel was suffering from a brutal heat and humidity wave at the time and our front window was our main source of air. After simply informing him that he cannot dictate the window practices of our apartment his agitation began to rise to the surface. He threatened to call the police and I welcomed him to, since I had never heard of anyone being arrested for excessive echoing. He told me through gritted teeth that I “did not understand. I can’t sleep, and if I don’t sleep you don’t live.” After I was finished explaining the irony of threatening me with the police and then threatening my life the young one finally piped up. He told me, with his crazy Israeli short-tempered eyes burning holes into my forehead, “you are very brave now, let’s see how brave you are tomorrow.” Sick of being threatened I bid them a goodnight and tried to close the door. The young’n slammed it open and stormed into the elevator with his partner in crime.

They proceeded to terrorize us the next few nights by sending the police to our building. We finally ended it all after our landlord, who happened to also be a lawyer, explained to them that this could not and would not continue.

The events of those nights bothered me for a long time but not because I was scared or upset.  After some consideration I was able to ascertain what was eating at me. The story was a microcosm of the Israel-Palestinian conflict. The unreasonable neighbors were a metaphor for Israel’s…well…unreasonable neighbors.

The cutting of our power was an unprovoked escalation of the situation. The next day they were back but with a smile on their faces. Anyone who has seen Arab MK Ahmed Tibi speak knows that he begins with a Cheshire Cat grin (that can transition into a scowl faster than a Porche goes from 0 to 60). The demand that our windows remain closed at all times was blatantly unfair and was never realistic. It was never mentioned that perhaps if THEY closed THEIR windows the echo would not be so bad. They never owned up to any responsibility on their part. The refusal to acquiesce to the outrageous demands led to threats of violence and eventually harassment.

With the impending collapse of yet another sad excuse for peace negotiations Israel is bracing itself for another avalanche of world condemnation for refusing to meet unreasonable demands and unwarranted harassment from their neighbors. The somber lesson I learned from this Israel adventure is that perhaps there are people in this world that are content to bully and harass others. They may hide behind a mask of calm and reason but underneath they live to badger their neighbors. The chances of making peace with people like that appears bleak to me. Luckily for us winter has finally arrived and we both have closed our windows. Sadly if Israel were to close its window the world would throw a proverbial brick through it.

Moment Magazine Blog Post!

Maccabeats Suffer "Wardrobe Malfunction"
http://momentmagazine.wordpress.com/2010/12/07/maccabeats-suffer-%E2%80%9Cwardrobe-malfunction%E2%80%9D/

The Lesson of Rabbi Uriel Malka

For a large number of people, our very existence in this world is a test. What exactly this test entails has always been a point of serious contention. While I would never assume to hold the answers to the universe (especially considering my struggles with Algebra 2) I do believe that one of the world’s greatest tests is our spiritual and conceptual response to tragedy. As Israel begins to emerge from its greatest natural disaster, the devastating fire in the North, a few public figures have already failed this test in my humble opinion.

I believe that as Jews we must strive to see G-d in all things, good and bad. However, we mustn’t blame him or interpret his intentions, no matter how tragic or unjust things may seem. It is no surprise that many “respected media figures” in the Arab world have attributed the catastrophic blaze to “G-d punishing Israel for occupying Arab land”. Likewise, it is hardly newsworthy that now that the fire has begun to subside the political finger pointing has commenced. However, it is incomprehensible that Shas spiritual leader Rav Ovadia Yosef proclaim with conviction that the fire in the North was a clear result of “the desecration of Shabbat”. While I respect Rav Ovadia for the Torah giant that he is, and while I am sure he means no malice in his statement, it must be emphasized that assigning tragedy to specific human actions is a treacherous practice. 

It is irresponsible and misguided to assume we as human beings can assume to know G-d’s true intentions. The Talmud in Avot (4:10) supports this concept stating, “Do not act as judge alone, for none judges alone except One”.  While this decree falls upon each and every one of us, the onus of this diktat sits far more heavily on the shoulders of our public figures and spiritual leaders.

I vividly recall a story I heard after the explosion of the Columbia Space Shuttle that killed the first Israeli astronaut Ilan Ramon, and the unsettling feeling the story left me with. A rabbi at the elementary school I had attended told his students that it was clear to him why the shuttle had exploded, killing the seven astronauts inside. He told his students that it was clearly because Ilan Ramon had brought a Torah scroll with him on the mission and since he was not religious the explosion was his punishment for desecrating the Torah scroll. The certainty with which the rabbi said this disturbed me equally as much as the content of his drivel.  An elementary school rabbi has the daunting task of molding a child’s early interaction with religion and G-d and to irresponsibly pass off crack-pot theory to impressionable children is beyond the pale.

I honestly believe that the correct response to times of tragedy is an admission that we understand nothing. What we must understand however, is that G-d’s hand guides these event and that he is just in doing so. It is his world to build or destroy, we are merely renting space. That is not to say that we should not cry out to him for mercy. On the contrary, it is G-d, and only G-d, who can truly console us in these harrowing times.

The tragic irony is that the world was introduced to a hero of these very principles after he was killed by the raging fire. Rabbi Uriel Malka, a 32 year old prison chaplain and former teacher at the Denver Academy of Torah, was killed among 39 others on a prison transport bus that was surprised by the spreading flames, sadly robbing the world of what surely would have been a profound and thoughtful response to this time of tribulation. Rabbi Malka came face to face with death a number of times while serving in the IDF during the Second Lebanon War. Many from his unit were killed. Although he faced many terrors, he was described as a “simple and warm person, full of happiness for life, and a spreader of optimism to everyone”.  His own brother recounted Uriel’s telling of his near-death experiences. “During his life he met death a number of times. G-d was always in front of him and saved him at the last moment.”  While he was surrounded by devastation he chose to see the good in G-d’s actions. Rabbi Malka was an educator, who put nothing before the importance of the future of the Jewish people. In direct contrast to the Rabbi who denounced Ilan Ramon, Rabbi Malka chose to spread the eternal message of finding G-d’s light in the surrounding darkness.  This is the way tragedy should be met with by members of the Chosen People.

Chief Rabbi of England Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks once wrote, “The beauty of Judaism is that it did not become traumatized by tragedy… It is that central affirmation of G-d as life, and therefore of finding G-d in the midst of the blessings of life, that we must not lose”.  Rabbi Uriel Malka personified this message to the letter and although he was introduced to us through his heartbreaking and untimely death  we should all strive to learn the immortal lesson of his life.