Sunday, May 30, 2010

Forget 443: New Road Would Be Built Exclusively for Palestinians; To Be Called J Street

As frustration mounts on both sides at the Supreme Court's decision to re-open Route 443 to automobiles with Palestinian license plates, the Palestinian Authority has forwarded a proposal aimed at a possible solution. Prime Minister Salam Fayyad unveiled a proposal he had received earlier in the week from a PAC, suggesting that a new road, named J Street, should be built exclusively for Palestinians.

Fayyad painted a picture for reporters that he believes will be satisfactory to Israelis and Palestinians alike. “The creation of J Street is first and foremost in the best interest of the Israeli people. In fact, the people who came up with the idea are Jewish themselves. How can Israel refute the legitimacy of something created for their best interest by their own people? One must conclude that the creation of this road is in alignment with the majority opinion of Israeli society. For the Palestinians, the end of the apartheid state’s apartheid highway is truly a victory. Until now the only contact our people had with this highway was when we were paid to do road work on it”. When questioned by reporters as to how Israel could be an apartheid state if it paid the Palestinian workers wages for their work, Fayyad responded, “I don’t know, I just read it in the J Street proposal”. 

Hadar Susskind, J Street Vice President of Policy, Strategy, and Traffic Congestion released a statement late Sunday that appeared to be more evasive than truthful. “First and foremost we aim to build a road free of those awful road reflectors. That constant click-clack sound drivers must endure on a daily basis is a type of terrorism we will no longer tolerate. We would rather have roadblocks”.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, as well as Transportation Minister Yisrael Katz, was not satisfied by this apparent smoke-screen put up by the brain-trust responsible for the J Street concept. The project’s President, Jeremy Ben-Ami, was more candid than his colleague when cornered by reporters on his way into his office. In response to a large portion of the Israeli government's demanded for an honest answer, Ben-Ami staunchly insisted that, “this is nothing more than the physical implementation of our long-standing policy. We at the J Street project always have and always will maintain that the best way to resolve any Palestinian-Israeli conflict is through the allowance of Palestinians to plow, drive, and walk all over Israel”.

Monday, May 17, 2010

TMZ Exclusive: Obama Auditioned for New Robin Hood Movie

A report by the popular celebrity news website released late Sunday has revealed that President of the United States Barak Obama auditioned for the new version of Robin Hood that was released on the silver screen this week. Obama reportedly auditioned for the lead role of Robin Hood, a role that eventually was given to Russell Crowe.

Reportedly, when asked by the producers as to his qualifications to portray the great child hero, the President boasted of his numerous current and planned policies. “My healthcare bill, the stimulus package, and planned tax increases make me more than qualified to play a character that steals from the rich and gives to the poor”.
The President apparently made a few suggestions as to how best revise the script. “Instead of Robin Hood just giving out his stolen money to the poor, how about he sets up a council of his merry men, crowning himself the supreme ruler, and in a very dramatic scene, the council can vote on what they think is the true definition of “poor” and who gets the money.  In an intriguing back-story, perhaps a councilman on the fence about the distribution can be promised or threatened (depending on how kid-friendly you want the movie) with the giving or revoking of prime forest real-estate by Robin Hood’s chief-of-staff Little Rham…I mean Little John”.  

The President apparently lost his chance to be cast after insisting that all members of Sherwood Forest have energy-efficient light bulbs.  The President also apparently challenged Robin Hood’s right to bear a bow and arrow. Director and Co-Producer Ridley Scott was upset that the President would not cede these points, feeling the film really could have benefited by featuring, “a President who is more celebrity than politician. I mean his celebration at the DNC in Denver’s Mile High Stadium was crazier than the Oscars.”

The President apparently had lost interest in the project himself when he was told he could not act out the scenes with a teleprompter behind the camera. 

Popular syndicated Radio Host Rush Limbaugh suggested on his show Monday that based on his policies, the President is more suited to play the role of Blinkin from Mel Brook’s parody Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

After Russell Crow was announced as the producer’s choice, the White House scrambled to issue a statement to refute the claim that Robin Hood was the President’s favorite cartoon growing up.  “The President had a particular affinity for Aladdin growing up in…err Hawaii…because of its inspiring story of a downtrodden…err Christian…beating the odds. And we can say with 100% certainty that Jafar was a Republican”.

The President did speak on one issue personally. On the lawn of the White House Sunday, in regard to whether or not he wore tights and how they looked, the President responded, "Can I still use that "don't ask don't tell" thing or did we get rid of that already?"

Thursday, May 13, 2010

American Jews Cancel Holiday because “Jerusalem Day Just Sounds Ridiculous”

Early Tuesday morning, a coalition of Jewish leaders in America, spanning from Reform to Ultra-Orthodox, unanimously announced the cancellation of the holiday that was to be celebrated later that night and Wednesday morning commemorating Israel’s re-capturing of Jerusalem in 1967. The American leaders canceled the joyous holiday, known as Yom Yerushalayim in Israel, because “Jerusalem Day just sounds ridiculous”. 

Ronald Lauder, President of the World Jewish Congress told reporters, “In Israel at least they got the whole alliteration thing going for them. It rolls off the tongue. Jerusalem Day just sounds like the day in school your teachers tell you to show up dressed like our forefathers and mothers. I hated that day, you try wearing a homemade turban in the scorching heat for eight hours”.  It was later reported that Mr. Lauder’s view on the subject might have been tainted by the fact that his mother always insisted he dress up as Isaac, which inevitably led to the annual tie down and sacrificial ceremony of little Ronnie Lauder by the local bullies.

This is not the first time American Jewish pronunciation has put ancient tradition in jeopardy.  In 1983, the minutes of a meeting held by the National Council of Young Israel were leaked to the press. On the agenda for that meeting was a debate on whether or not to abolish the large loafs of bread, called “challah” in Hebrew, as an essential part of the Sabbath meal due to the American Jew’s long and perilous struggle with the sound “chhhh”. In the end, the potentially huge religious crisis was averted when the council approved the pronunciation “hallah” no mater how unbearably stupid it sounds.

When asked why the American Jewish Community did not seek a similar solution for the Celebration of the miracle of G-d’s returning of the single most important geographical icon in Jewish life, J Street Director Jeremy Ben-Ami answered astutely, “What’s the connection? This is American Jewish life; everyone knows hallah is an imperative staple of the Jewish conscience. Let me know when Jerusalem is considers as such”.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Judge Grants AG Holder 15 Minuet Recess After He Began Litigating for the Defense

United States Attorney General Eric Holder was granted a 15 minuet recess Thursday afternoon after his head nearly exploded. Apparently, while trying a case against an unrepentant Muslim terrorist, the AG continuously found himself drifting over to the defense table. When first questioned about this strange behavior by the judge, Holder claimed “I was sure I saw a Jr. Mint over by the table; you know they can be very refreshing”. It soon became clear, however, that Holder was engaged in a violent inner struggle. This is hardly the first time he has been suspected of sympathizing with enemy combatants (I sometimes wish all the things I write on this blog are a joke, but alas, this is not one of them).

While questioning the forensic specialist, the People’s star witness, the AG abruptly objected to his own questions on a number of grounds including leading the witness and being racist (like a bizarro Fletcher Reede).

Some feel that this crisis in representation could have been averted had the early signed been heeded. Apparently, during jury selection, Holder struck a perspective juror from the list because “it appeared as though he would agree with me, and come on, that’s not a fair trial”. 

Holder also spent most of his closing argument making a concerted effort to show the jury that though he was speaking with conviction, he did have his fingers crossed behind his back (like good ‘ol Groucho Marx, ehh old people, this blog is for you too!).

When questioned by reporters after the jury went into deliberations, a number of reporters called attention to some blue ink on Holder’s forehead. It was later discovered that when wiping sweat from his forehead (he did this every time his cross-examination was going too well) the ink had rubbed off of a note Holder had written on his hand that read “America=good”, a trick he credited to First Lady Michelle Obama.

Holder apparently requested that the judge hold him in contempt a number of times, and only withdrew his request after repeatedly being reminded that it would be a waste of tax dollars since the American people already have that covered.

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Monday, May 3, 2010

Senator Mitchell: Refugees are Going to Disney World!

Releasing a 3D animated video last week mocking the father of captured soldier Gilad Shalit, Hamas intended to intimidate and ridicule the Israeli government and its people. At first glance this move seemingly advanced Hamas’s ever-present efforts to impede the peace process in the Middle East. It now appears, however, that they have unintentionally advanced the process more than ever before.

In a press conference Monday, US Senator, and appointed mediator between the Palestinians and Israelis during this week’s upcoming proximity talks (named no doubt for their close proximity to failure), George Mitchell announced that the two sides have reached an accord on one of the negotiations most severe issues before the talks have even commenced. “In light of the video released by Hamas last week, and in anticipation of this week’s negotiations, we are proud to announce that we have solved the refugee crisis. With the Palestinians new found display of animation and imagination skills, the refugees in Gaza and the West Bank will now be transferred to the happiest place on earth. No not Chris Matthew’s room of self-portraits, no not Michael Moore’s kitchen pantry, the refugees are going to Disney World!”

A few hundred of the refugees will reportedly be assigned to various jobs at the Disney/Pixar studios in Orlando, Florida. Naturally, they will be given a course by Human Resources to help ease the always challenging transition from making films aimed at terrorizing and degrading human beings to making charming and intelligent flicks that leave kids and adults alike feeling warm and fuzzy inside.When asked by reporters what the remaining refugees were to do, Mitchell rattled off a number of other tasks to be offered to the newcomers, including portraying Aladdin and Princess Jasmine, as well as replacing the robot dolls in the Arabia section of the fan favorite “It’s a Small World” attraction.

In anticipation of the refugee’s arrival, Disney World staff has had all of those humongous and obscene, yet somehow incredibly popular, turkey legs, that are so viciously munched on around the park, Halal certified.

Hamas has expressed its reservations, citing their, “great anticipation for Ratatouille, and we all saw how that turned out.” Their denial of Pixar’s ability to still produce fantastic films, such as Up! and Wall-e, appears to be a page right out of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s Holocaust-denying playbook. The plan has also drawn criticism from an unexpected source. When asked what his response would be if he was asked next year “you have just won the Superbowl, what are you going to do next?” 2009 Superbowl winner Drew Brees responded, “I’ll probably just take the family to Universal Studios or something”. Toy Story star Buzz Lightyear was more optimistic, quoted as saying he hoped this solution would put to rest this ever-troublesome issue for “infinity and beyond!”

This, of course, is not the first time the Obama Administration has attempted to contract the help of the Magical Kingdom for the purposes of transfer. The refugees would likely be house just feet away from the prison in the Pirates of the Carrabin ride, where Attorney General Eric Holder suggested the US transfer the prisoners of Guantanamo Bay.  The deal fell through after the dog with the keys that guards the jail apparently rejected the release of bloodthirsty murderers into his fictional population.  It is also rumored that to put himself through law school, the President once applied to be one of the carriages shaped like Dumbo on the ride bearing the same name.

Not all is sour between the Obama White House and Disney however. Disneyland officials in Anaheim California have announced that the president’s foreign policy will be on display this summer at the theme park's timeless themed land, Fantasyland.