Friday, March 26, 2010

NEWS BRIEF: Bibi cuts AIPAC speech short to pick up a suitcase he promised he would bring back for boy studying in Israel for the year.

White House Considering Merger With Fox Television

A number of officials in the upper echelons of the Obama White House have informed E-Tone that President Obama is considering accepting an offer to merge with Fox Television. Fox TV has been highly successful in recent years and many experts believe that a merger with Fox could help President Obama boost both his, as well as the Democratic Party’s, popularity before the upcoming crucial November midterm elections.

Fox would provide Obama with a number of fresh resources to help implement a number of thus far highly controversial policies which are in danger of becoming toxic. One of the policies that has faced a high level of opposition was the President’s decision to try Guantanamo Bay Terrorists, such as 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, in civilian courtrooms with all the comforts of due process (after all I’m sure these “defendants” are big fans of the constitution that affords them these rights, right?). In order to give this policy a fresh new face Fox has proposed that the terrorists are instead judged by the wildly popular judge’s panel of American Idol. Randy Jackson could soon be saying, “Yo dog, for you, for me, for you dog it felt like you were forcin’ the whole death to infidels thing. Just didn’t work for me for you dog”. There is some concern that Obama will waiver due to the recent news that Idol judge Kara DioGuardi’s father, Joseph DioGuardi, a former Republican House Representative will be running for senate (for real, check it out). However, most experts believe that Obama will not be able to turn away from a liberal dream-team staff consisting of an African-American, a Lesbian, and a European. (There are rumors that Ryan Seacrest will host the next State of the Union Address, but at press time this remains unconfirmed).

In another effort to bolster foreign and defense policy the creators of the hit Fox program 24 have offered their expertise should the merger happen. President Obama seemed non-committal at best when asked about this offer on Tuesday, insisting that it “is not Mr. Bauer’s unconventional methods of interrogations, deplorable though they are, as much as it is the history of African American presidents on the show. I would like to not only out-serve, but outlive, both Palmer  presidents”. He added that he thought Season 4 arch-villain Habib Marwan could have been stopped in the early episodes had President Charles Logan just enforced some “good old fashion sanctions when he had the chance”.

News of the potential merger was welcomed with open arms by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi told reporters earlier in the week that she would be more than willing to reprise here role on the Fox affiliate FX program Nip/Tuck (we think shes had enough, don't you?).

With the President signing the new healthcare bill into law this week the atmosphere on the set of Fox’s hit medical drama House could turn hostile post-merger. The cast and crew are apparently livid that the free clinic patients, treated by Dr. House, as a form of comic relief for both him and the audience, will now be covered in the new healthcare bill to be the main focus of an episode (literally spreading the wealth).

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel was reportedly very excited about the merger, telling reporters, “I would just love to meet the brilliant protagonist of Glee, Sue Sylvester. She is everything a modern day hero must be” (she isn’t).
While the possibility of a merger grows more likely with every day there is reportedly one misconception by the President that may need to be clarified before any final agreement can be reached. When asked at a press conference what his favorite Fox program was, the President answered “while I truly love So You Think You Can Dance, I must say my favorite is that satirical Fox News channel. Wow, those guys really give SNL’s Weekend Update a run for their money. Oh man, the characters disgust for the President is so believable. I would HATE to be that guy!”              


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

End of an Era? U.S. Unfriends Israel on Facebook

First, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reamed out Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu on Friday for almost an hour. Then Israeli Envoy to Washington Michael Oren declared relations between Israel and the U.S. in a crisis not seen since 1975. Now, in the most telling move to date, America has “unfriended” Israel on Facebook. Israel realized it was no longer friends with America early Tuesday morning when it was unable to see pictures of a crazy party it had heard America had gone to two nights earlier.

Facebook, the highly popular social networking website has been an efficient barometer of international relations in recent years, used by diplomats and political scientists alike. Just two years ago the country of Georgia began to mobilize after spying that Russia wrote a nasty joke about it on France’s “wall”. More recently, as a practical joke and as a sign of protest against The Obama Healthcare Plan, Glenn Beck “tagged” President Obama in a picture of Joseph Stalin. Reportedly Sarah Plain “likes this”.

Israel put America in an awkward position earlier this year when Dubai posted a video on Facebook of what appears to be Israel “poking” Hamas while logged into England’s account in a Dubai hotel room. America is very weary of getting on Dubai’s bad side seeing that the United Arab Eremites has over 1,000 friends, and according to Dubai Police Chief Dahi Khalfan Tamim “almost all of them requested us, I swear”.

Additionally Rahm Emmanuel is apparently irate over a message Israel wrote on his wall last week. According to sources close to the Chief of Staff, Israel asked Emmanuel how it went with “that blonde he was chatting up at the bar last night”. Emmanuel was allegedly livid and could be seen stomping around the White House muttering about how “that’s TOTALLY something you send in a message”.  

Israel has considered “refriending” America but they are not getting their hopes up. President Shimon Peres told E-Tone that “we are not going to be disillusioned. We know that the only thing more unappealing than a “refriend” is when you get a friend-request from a parent! So now we play the waiting game”.
Israel cannot afford to lose many more friends on Facebook. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is reportedly just a few people away from getting the 1,000 members desired for his “I bet I can find 1,000 people who think the Holocaust was a Zionist ploy” group.  

The tenuous relations will reach a new level of awkwardness in April if America, friend or not, balks on writing a Happy Birthday message on Israel’s wall, though America has set themselves up for  plausible deniability since the birthdays of non-friends are not displayed on event calendars. However, Israel is unlikely to accept that answer. Defense Minister Ehud Barak noted that “even though we may not be in their events they will for sure see all the other UN members writing Happy Birthday in their “News Feed” so give me a break”.  

UPDATE : The situation may have just gotten worse. Vice President Joe Biden just posted on his twitter account: “Made Bibi wait 90 minutes for dinner. LMFAO”. Bibi has apparently responded with a somber “FML”.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Biden Visits Israel; His Foot says it is “sick” of staying in the VP’s Mouth; Considering King David Hotel for Future

After a tumultuous trip to Israel this past week, U.S. Vice President Joseph Biden’s Foot is apparently fed up with the accommodations. The former senator’s right walking appendage shared its frustrations with the Israeli media Thursday night, complaining that “he was sick and tired of the poor amenities in the VP’s mouth. I hear the King David Hotel is far more conducive to diplomats and their walking apparatus”.

This is certainly not The Foot’s first lodging in a Joe’s Mouth Hotel and that may have contributed to the outburst. “I had just recently stayed in [a Joe’s Mouth Hotel] when I was on the senate floor (literally). The Vice President keeps holing me up in there. Last week he forgot he was miked-up, let it slip that he pretty much just sips Mai-Tai’s on Pennsylvania Avenue all day long (seriously this is not a joke, click this link if you don't believe me), and the next thing I know “here you go Mr. Foot, that will be room 1 on the 1st floor, thank you and enjoy your stay at the D.C. Joe’s Mouth Hotel!” Enough is enough!” An official list sent out to the media by the VP’s office Friday listed a number of other grievances, such as: “The Big Toe feels it is too far a walk to the market,” (presumably the Machane Yehudah Marketplace) and that, “The Middle Toe was unsatisfied with the catering, specifically the roast beef” (His Small toe was not available for comment, as it had just ran all the way home a few hours earlier).

Attempts to reach the VP’s mouth have been unsuccessful thus far, due to the Vice President’s returning to his cocktail-sipping…errr…I mean the Senate Floor deliberations, so the straw that broke the camel’s back remains unknown for the time being. However E-Tone has received a tip that the Vice President’s Foot was irate after Biden’s speech at Tel-Aviv University (in which he hastily and harshly condemned Israel while also claiming to love and support it absolutely) because his place in the Mouth smelled like "Bull excrement".

While this public condemnation appears to cast doubt on future bookings of the VP’s mouth, not all of the Vice President’s body is financially suffering after the Middle East visit. Since Thursday’s speech, thousands of Israeli’s feet have called to inquire about vacancies in the Vice Presidents ass.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Israel Places Natalie Portman on Heritage List; Arabs, U.S., Obi-Wan Fuming

In what appears to be yet another inflammatory move made by the Netanyahu Government regarding the Heritage List, The Prime Minister of Israel informed the media Wednesday night that Israel would be adding Natalie Portman to the inventory. The Israeli-born Oscar nominated actress will join other controversial additions to the list such as the Cave of Patriarchs and Rachel’s Tomb, in an effort to preserve and renovate Israel’s most culturally significant landmarks. In a statement Wednesday the PM expounded on his decision to add Portman to the list; “The land of Israel is oozing with landmarks that connect to defining moments in Israeli and Jewish history. Tel-Hai will forever be memorialized for Trumpeldor’s cry that “it’s good to die for one’s country”. The Cave of the Patriarchs is ingrained in our collective religious subconscious as the burial ground Abraham refused to purchase for anything less than “its full price”. Natalie’s stellar bemoaning that she “can’t feel anything anymore” after V tortured her in “V for Vendetta” (spoiler alert!) is no less significant to the people of Israel. We will continue to honor our heritage no matter the backlash.”

Backlash is precisely what Israel is getting, and from a broad range of camps. The U.S. State Department warned that this gesture could be perceived as an attempt to annex U.S. property (Portman currently lives in New York City), which America considers an act of war. President Obama’s senior adviser David Axelrod echoed this sentiment warning, “Portman appears to be Israel’s Sudetenland. If we weren’t on the verge of passing revolutionary health care reform and creating almost a billion jobs we would take a good hard look at our foreign policy and respond accordingly.”

The Arab camp has been in an uproar as expected, though the reason is not immediately clear. Portman has no Arab blood whatsoever and has never even portrayed an Arab in a film. One Tel-Aviv University professor, speaking in anonymity for fear of flagellation, is working out a theory and has shared it with E-Tone; “After extensive phone calls with Blockbuster and Netflix I have seemed to uncover a little known fact. It would appear that the West Bank is the only region in the world that has had over 5 rentals of “Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium”. Portman and Dustin Hoffman’s kooky magical toy shop really seems to strike a chord with ancient Arab traditions.” On Thursday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called out Israel as fabricators of history once again; “The Zionists continue to exaggerate the facts in their ongoing quest for world domination. “Closer” was not a movie, I would barely even call it a made-for-TV-movie.”

In a bizarre twist to this story, Portman’s inclusion on the list has brought two warring camps together under the banner of protest. The Clones and the Jedi, currently locked in a Clone War, have both vehemently opposed Israel’s move, pausing the fighting for the time being. The Clones, associating Portman’s character Queen Amidala with the Rebel Jedi camp, has called for her immediate arrest as a criminal of war. C4H53, the clone’s spokesman, told E-Tone that he has recently sent a hologram message to the Goldstone Commission requesting the addition of Portman to the investigation into Israel’s conduct during its most recent war. The Jedi are weary of Portman, knowing that she eventually will be the mother of their near-destruction. “Meesa thinks Israels a no good, putting Vader’s momma on da list” Rebel fighter Jar Jar Binks charged at an anti-Israel rally attended by Wookies, Ewoks, and a number of Arab Kenesst Members.

Israel faces similar opposition later this week, when it is expected to announce its rejection of adding White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, who is of Israeli decent, to the Heritage List, despite the Obama Administration’s vehement pleas of “take him, please please take him!”