Sunday, April 25, 2010

Breaking News: Israel Avoids Wave of iPad Terrorism

Israeli officials announced Sunday morning that they had fixed all technical problems and were lifting the ban on the world’s hottest techno-toy, the Apple iPad, previously banned due to an apparent conflict with Israel’s internet frequencies. Israel’s dash to confiscate any and every iPad brought into the country earlier this month led many to believe that the damage the iPad could inflict may have been more serious than reported, including perhaps damage to the military sector. Though the Israeli government has denied any correlation between the iPad problem and the IDF, Israel’s enemies had deemed it worthwhile to gamble on what could have been a revolutionary type of terrorism.

According to reports, Hamas placed an order for 200 iPads nearly two weeks ago, roughly coinciding with Israel's announcement of the ban. Included in the order were a corresponding number of personalized iPad skins (that's those plastic covers you put on electronic things for all you old people). 100 were designed in the colors of the PLO flag, 90 with a picture of Yasser Arafat, and 10 emblazoned with a smiling Richard Goldstone.

Arch-terrorist Ayman Muhammad Rabi’ Al-Zawahiri lamented Israel’s alleviation of the problem, crushed by the crumbling of the prospect of a new frontier in terrorism. “It is egregious that Israel is allowed to continually decimate any advancement attempted by our people. We try to build a house, they bulldoze it down. We try to build a road, the roadblock it. Now, we try to make advancements in the field of our most successful export, terrorism, and again the Zionist pigs have impeded our progress and taken our hope. This is a Human Rights violation of epic proportions”. UN Chairman Ban Kai Moon agreed. His office released a brief statement saying, “we will be looking into this matter further as the details emerge. But for now I must wonder, how can Israel expect the Palestinians to build and sustain their own economy if they do not allow them to play to their strengths?”

Al-Jazeera Television interviewed 12 year old Ismael Jabrall, a student in the Hamas Day School for Terror and Technologies, who was absolutely crestfallen at the Israeli’s “vicious attempt to undermine the PA and President Abbas” as well. “I should have known better. I mean I’m pretty sure Steve Jobs is Jewish”. When asked by reporters what about iPad Terror was so promising, Ismael, a little verklempt (meaning "choked up" for non-Mike Myers fans…talk amongst yourselves), whimpered “My life could have finally been different. I grew up in a refugee camp and never had much fun. With the iPad, I could have traced my targets, communicated with my co-conspirators, activated my explosives, and download the most recent songs from this week’s episode of Glee all at the same time! I am truly heartbroken that all that promise has gone down the drain”.

Apple has not yet made a statement at press time, however there are rumors of a commercial being scratched from a lineup set to air in the Middle East later this week. The commercial allegedly featured the voice of former President Jimmy Carter narrating a new version of Apples now iconic commercials.“Say you wanted to spill the blood of the Zionists while distracting the world of Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weapons…there’s an app for that”. 

NEWS BRIEF: Feed Two Birds With One Stone: Marzipan Bakery to Open Girls Seminary

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

INTERVIEW: New Study Claims Root of Arab Anger towards Israel due to “Birthday Party Snub”

Researchers at New York University claim to have made a breakthrough in solving perhaps the most troubling question in modern-day global history. The ever elusive root of Arab animosity towards the State of Israel and the Western World has puzzled generation after generation. No doubt, reasons have been suggested in the past, but even the explanations offered by the Arabs themselves are blatant fallacies they can’t possibly expect anyone to believe. I mean, seriously, no one is dumb enough to buy into the claim that they are “being oppressed and occupied” by Israel while concurrently holding Israel at rocket-point up and down its borders, right?! Conversely, it is unfathomable to believe that Hamas and Hezbollah are genocide-thirsty extremists who will stop at nothing short of Israel’s disappearance from the map, as some crazy Israelis might espouse. Come on, everyone knows Hezbollah is a government now. How can a government ALSO be a terrorist faction?! Who are you trying to fool Israel?!
The new report, published Wednesday morning, asserts that for one to understand the source of Arab-Israeli hostilities one need not engage in a century by century historical study of the Middle East, but merely a look at events that occurred no less than 24 hours ago. For a more in-depth analysis into this groundbreaking study, E-Tone sat down with the project’s lead researcher, Professor Christopher McGahan, Wednesday morning:

ET: So what’s the main finding of this report?

CM: Tuesday marked Israel’s 62nd year of statehood, and the country’s annual Yom Ha’atzmaut (Independence Day) celebration did not disappoint. How could this not breed deep seeded hate within the Arab community?

ET: I’m afraid I still don’t understand. How could Israel’s Independence Day celebration be at all connected to Arab hate?

CM: It’s simple. When I turned ten my mom threw me an awesome party. I had a mad scientist come over my house and he taught me and my friends how to make that green gooey stuff that ten year olds are so enamored with (Editors note: that “gooey” stuff is now the subject of many lawsuits due to its toxicity. If you have ever come in contact with the goo and have noticed strange hair-growth patterns contact a doctor immediately, as well as Larry H. Parker Esq.-”He’ll Fight For You!”). The next day everyone brought the goo to school, thus making my party the talk of the playground. I was feeling like pretty hot stuff until I ran into Little Ralphie in the hallway. Little Ralphie lived down the block from me but we were never close. He was a loner and a belligerent one at that. He did not enjoy outside contact of any form. So, when it was time to send out party invitations, Little Ralphie naturally got passed over. That turned out to be an error in judgment on my part. Little Ralphie (who if you haven’t guessed wasn’t all that little) pinned me up against the lockers and growled. He did some other things with some of the goo he had stolen from another kid but if I’m not ready to share it with my therapist, I am not ready to share it with you, but I digress. The growl was not half as frightening as the hate in his eyes. This was the same unadulterated hate I recognized last week while watching Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah speaking to a crowd calling for the murder of Israeli soldiers and the destruction of the evil Zionist entity. It was then that I made the connection.

ET: How can we know that this report is not biased?

CM: Come on, we are an American university, what’s bias got to do with it?

ET: You’re right, my bad. Please continue.

CM: Right well it is clear that PA President Mahmoud Abbas is sick of being picked last for kickball. It is obvious that Nasrallah is sick of sitting alone at lunch. Israel is the smallest country on the block; the Arabs are astounded that they would be excluded from the festivities. Additionally, it is common knowledge that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad LOVES bouncy castles. 

ET: So what are the proofs of this theory?

CM: A number of Arab actions in recent history indicate that our findings are on target. After the September 11th attacks, as well as the massacre at the Yeshiva of Rav Kook the Arabs took to the streets singing, dancing, and showering kids with candy. Whether this is an attempt to show Israel they can party like its 1999, or a slight for not being invited is unclear, but either way it’s compelling. Another example, the homicide bomber tactic, works two-fold. For the kiddies, the Arabs are showing that they can throw a great surprise party. For the adults, they exhibit their stripping skills. Furthermore, we all know that pinning a tail is the least of what they can do with a donkey. The most damning evidence is a tape sent by Osama Ben Ladin to Israel last week. He warned, “Either let us RAISE the roof, or we will RAZE the roof!” 

ET: Does this clear inferiority complex have an official medical name?

CM: Yes it is called International Traumatic Syndrome caused by Birthday Snub, or “ITS-BS” for short.

ET: So has this study led you to any possible solutions to the Middle East crisis?

CM: Well I don’t believe the “invitation got lost in the mail” move is going to work in this instance. Of course, I didn’t invite Little Ralphie to my next party or any other party after that. I would not expect the Israelis to invite the Arabs over any time soon. It is a problem with no clear-cut solution, however one truth is self-evident. Israel may as well send an invitation to Little Barak O. from the other side of town because he is going to show up whether he is invited or not. 

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Serious Post with a Serious Message for a Serious Day

Despite all the jokes, often times the substantially different life one lives in Israel, compared to any other place in the world, is for the better. Today, one day before Israel celebrates its inception with the raucously joyous Yom Ha’atzmaut (Independence Day), the country solemnly pays homage to the thousands who have sacrificed their lives for the Jewish People and the Jewish State. Yom Hazikaron, Remembrance Day, is a 24 hour tribute to all the brave martyrs of Israel, highlighted by ceremonies state-wide at the graves of the fallen and in the communities where their undying roots were cultivated.

I grew up in a Los Angeles Jewish community that was, and remains today, a staunch Zionist entity. I have attended Remembrance Day ceremonies of some shape or form all of my life. I had even spent the last three Remembrance Days in Israel. However, not until this year did I truly feel the awesome power of Remembrance Day in Israel as well as the message it represents both conceptually and emotionally. 

At 8 pm on the night of Remembrance Day (as well as 11 am the following morning) a siren wails across the entire state, signifying a moment of silence for the fallen fighters. Every Jewish boy and girl that grew up in America learning about this day has seen the pictures of men and women on the highway, putting their cars in park, getting out of their cars, and standing in somber silence and solidarity, traffic lights be damned. This year was the first time I was in a car when the siren went off and had the privilege to take part in this inspiring and unique act. Looking from the Ultra-Orthodox family to my left to the Non-Religious construction workers behind me, I could feel, for just a few seconds, the streets of Israel flooded, not with tires, but with the feet of the nation, as if to say we know more than anyone what “standing our ground” truly means.  This was my first indication that this would be a special Remembrance Day.

My second rousing experience came at a community ceremony I attended later that night. The community was not distinct in any way. They had lost their share of fathers and sons (as if any number is a considerable share) like most other communities in Israel, but the gathering itself was not unlike others I had attended in America. In fact, I believe the similarities of the ceremony to the ones I had participated in growing up in the US, were the reason I felt the exceptionality of Remembrance Day in Israel stronger than ever before. This sentiment was driven home by the reading of a letter that is read a great deal at Remembrance Day ceremonies all across Israel. The letter was written by 23 year old Gadi Ezra to his fiancĂ©e Galit in case the worst should happen to him after he was called into battle in April of 2002. The worst did happen, and Galit received the letter. Among many things one can point to in amazement and respect in the letter (full text can be read here), one paragraph resonated louder than the others as I stood in silence with a couple hundred other mourners. Gadi writes, “My beloved, on one hand I feel that there is nothing more that I want in this world than to be with you - to love you and to establish a home and a family with you. But on the other hand, there isn't anything that I want more than to be a part of this military operation and strike those terrorists a blow so strong, that they will never again even consider carrying out a terrorist attack. In order to do this, there is a price that we must pay.  I am willing to be that price. Don't be angry with me, my love, but at moments like this, your feelings for Klal Yisrael (all of Israel) is the feeling that is supposed to guide you right now - and you relate to this evil as if your private life does not exist”.  In these four simple sentences, Gadi encapsulated the essence of the State of Israel and its people, and carries a message that must be learned by the rest of the world. The message that we the people are responsible for our future, and every man and woman must take that responsibility upon themselves in order to succeed and survive.

No country needs to learn this message more than the United States of America under the Presidency of Barak Obama. While Obama continues to malign Israel and attempt to paint it as a misguided nation, he is exposing his very own off-kilter outlook for all to see. The underlying theme of President Obama’s policies, domestic and foreign alike, has been a diluted cocktail of socialism and stateism. The President believes that the government and the elite who run it should be in charge of who gets what and why. No self-responsibility is needed in Obama’s America, the government will sort out all the needs of the people and regulate your life accordingly. The will of the people is little more than a polling statistic for upcoming elections. The true test of a strong nation, in Obama’s world, is that of the government’s power to implement its programs come hell or high water.

For those of you still looking for a reason why this article would be on a satire blog, take note because here comes the irony. Israel, a state built mainly on the principles of socialism, now outranks the US in democratic value and worth. The essence of Israel, portrayed so purely by Gadi Ezra’s letter, is that of the power of the everyday citizen. While both Obama’s as well as Israel’s ideology stress the acknowledgment of a greater good, only Israel’s exhibits this sentiment in everyday life. The greater good in Obama’s world is the government. The greater good in Israel is the (chosen) nation as a whole, where every citizen must lead by example. Gadi was one of millions of Israelis who were and are willing to be the “price to pay” for every Jew on this earth to have a safe-haven and more importantly a homeland. Obama believes in dialogue and reconciling the international community at the cost of self-preservation. Israel knows it cannot afford that outlook or it will be wiped off the map in short order. Sometimes it is necessary to sacrifice the acclaim of “society” in order to do what is truly just.

America’s unending glorification of the individual is misplaced. The everyday American must learn from the everyday Israeli. Yes, individualism is important, but the unique individual has a responsibility to use his unparalleled traits for the good of the nation. The measure of a nation is not the strength of its leaders or government, but the strength of its people.

Remembrance Day in Israel, with its sorrowful siren and Gadi Ezra’s words of simplistic beauty, is a beacon of the ideology that every nation should predicate itself upon. The people of Israel do not sit around and wait for its government to do what is needed. The people of Israel go out and do what is needed themselves, and that is why it has survived lopsided attack after lopsided attack these past 62 years and will continue to. Hopefully, with G-d’s help and the growing realization of this truth, 2010 will be the last year names are added to the lists read on Remembrance Day.  

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

United Nations to Blame for Decrease in Omri Casspi’s Minuets

As the 2009/2010 NBA regular season winds down, one of its greatest mysteries may have finally been solved.  The seemingly unwarranted decrease in minuets for the first Israeli-born NBA player, Sacramento Kings forward Omri Casspi, had left many in the Jewish community wondering if this was yet another sign of an impending holocaust in the United States. NBA Commissioner David Stern put all concerns to rest Tuesday morning when he announced that it was not the U.S. that was responsible for Casspi’s benching, but the act of another nefarious acronym, the UN. The Commissioner revealed what was originally a covert demand by the UN Human Rights Council to King’s head coach Paul Westphal approximately two months ago to reduce Casspi’s minuets as a “punishment for Israel’s crimes against humanity and an act of reconciliation for the Palestinian people”. Rabbi, Marvin Hier, dean and founder of the Simon Wiesenthal Center and its Museum of Tolerance (and more importantly a two time Academy Award winner), expressed his relief later that day that, “it was not some new-age American anti-Semitism. I was so happy when I learned that it was just plain old run-of-the-mill UN anti-Semitism”.  

UNHRC President Alex Van Meeuwen added in a statement yesterday, “that not only was Omri punished for the crimes of his government, but for the crimes he himself committed and continues to commit on U.S. soil as well”. When pressed by reporters as to specifics of these alleged crimes Meeuwen rattled off a long list of reported offenses. “We have received many confirmed reports of Mr. Casspi’s transgressions, the most basic being his unrelenting shooting and stealing. Other reports describe him as a highly-skilled slasher who knows how to cut. There have been accusations of him establishing an illegal defense, in which he sets up a zone for his opponents. It is also ironic that Israel accuses Hamas of using children as human shields since Mr. Casspi has used center Jon Brockman as a human screen on nearly a nightly basis. We are also investigating the allegations that he sometimes shoots bombs from downtown. All of these allegations and more have been confirmed by the highly respected organizations ESPN, Fox Sports Network, Marv Albert, and the Muslim Brotherhood”. 

While Commissioner Stern expressed the league’s official weariness of the report, a small number of active and retired NBA players have individually come out in support of the move, namely Shareef Abdur-Rahim, Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, and Dirk Nowitzki. Additionally TNT’s NBA analyst Charles Barkley deemed the Israelis and Casspi, “turrable, just turrable”.

While Casspi himself has not responded to the report as of yet, Israeli Prime Minster Bibi Netanyahu made a desperate plea to both the UN and the NBA yesterday. “I am thoroughly frustrated with the lack of even-handedness in the UN. Aside from the one-sided Israel bashing, why is the UN and the NBA wasting its time and resources investigating an innocent Israeli player when it should be putting all its efforts into solving the  ever-present Iranian problem? We must explore all possible actions that can be taken to stop Northern Iowa’s second generation Iranian, Ali Farokhmanesh, from entering next year’s draft”. As a side note Netanyahu suggested that” if Farokhmanesh must be allowed play in the NBA then he should at least be contained and exposed to as few people as possible”. In response to the Prime Ministers suggestion, the NBA is currently in the process of convincing the Clippers to draft him.

Monday, April 5, 2010