Thursday, June 24, 2010

Israel to Adopt Vampire Motif In Effort To Boost Teenage American Tourism

The latest in a list of increasingly predictable Obama Administration Mid-East blunders may have been resolved late Wednesday night. Following the now infamous flotilla-gate, the White House had demanded Israel ease the Gaza blockade on both land and sea. Then, after Israel’s compliance with the order, the administration issued a warning to Americans, cautioning them to avoid traveling to Israel because it’s dangerous now that the blockade is lifted (one must conclude that logic must not be one of the requirements for community organizing).

This completely rational and founded warning had put the Israeli economy, one that relies heavily on tourism during the summer (money from American kids and new citizens conceived on Birthright buses), at serious risk. However, an American image consultant may have found a way for the Holy Land to attract young tourists despite the government’s cautions.

Starting July 1st Israel plans to adopt a vampire motif, a seemingly unstoppable fad ravaging American youth, in an effort to bring the kids back to the Promised Land Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu appealed to the Israeli people in a television address Wednesday night to “trade in your entrecote steaks for wooden ones, you M-16 bullets for silver ones, and your chick-peas for garlic”.

The Israeli government has also put in a request for Sarah Michelle Geller, the Jewish actress better known as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to behead Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. President Obama, through his affirmative action program, had suggested Wesley Snipes.

In an attempt to yet again one-up the Netanyahu government, Kadima officials have announced opposition leader Tzipi Livini’s plans to have fang implants. Livini told her staffers Wednesday that “not only will the fangs help with the vampire thing, but it will also help me get an even firmer grasp on Obama’s ass”.

Efforts to temporarily rename Herzliya “Herzlvania” have been squashed due to public outcry as has the request to temporarily refer to every time of day in Israel as “twilight”. In a rare showing of unity, devout Jews and Muslims alike decried the “twilight” plan due to the confusions it would cause in prayer scheduling. “We think the unity shown by Haredim and Sunnis today is a true step in the right direction. The united and organized mobility of two incredibly influential sects in the Middle East can only been seen as progress. Who says we don’t understand the region?” White House advisor David Axelrod told reporters yesterday .

It remains unclear if this newest plan by Israel will end up a larger vampire disaster than ABC’s upcoming summer filler and near NBA Finals ruining television show “The Gates”...but it's doubtful.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

UN Demands Impartial Probe of BP for “Unlawful Attempts to Plug Oil Spill"

The United Nations, in a statement Monday, finally threw their hats in the ring regarding the BP oil spill, though it was not in the capacity many had anticipated. UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon, at a press conference in New York, called for an investigation into the “unlawful attempts of BP to plug the oil spill”. 

“The oil rig has been in that ocean for many years. BP invaded it in 2008 and have been occupying it ever since. Instead of making sure they care for the rig, providing for it and protecting it, they have neglected it and are clearly suffering nothing more than the consequences of their actions. I heard they were considering building a wall around the leak, yes a wall, hey BP, South Africa called, they want their apartheid back. But seriously, the United Nations vehemently rejects the claim that attempts to plug the spill are in the interests of self-defense and self-preservation. The world has already seen too much atrocity in the name of “self-defense””.

A number of organizations have openly decried this newest UN condemnation as part of a continuous pattern of misplacing blame when dealing with international incidents. While BP has scrambled to prove it has done all that was expected of them to ensure the rigs wellbeing, a minority of voices have been accusing the US government, the true ruling authority over the rig, of being negligent. “The Obama regime has been the elected government, with authority over the Gulf Coast States for the past 18 Months. BP has afforded all available resources to the rig since they purchased it. If the rig decided to spill, it is due to the, "indifferent" at best, "damaging" at worst, treatment it has received from the Obama White House,” Abraham H. Foxman, ADL National Director, told reporters Monday night. “Why would the expectations for fair treatment and upkeep fall on the shoulders of any other organization before it falls on the shoulders of the elected officials?”

Legislation, originating out of Turkey, has been rapidly passing through the various UN councils,. The resolution calls for the allowance of more oil to spill into the gulf, unimpeded by the “oppressive and apartheid-like rule of BP emergency officials”.

President Obama signed this soon-to-be resolution Tuesday morning, reportedly muttering to himself, “now where have I seen this before?” 

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Flotilla Fiasco Update: Proctologists, Dinosaurs, and Female Flotation

Over a week has gone by since the flotilla disaster. E-Tone though it best to update you on the latest news stemming from the catastrophe:

Proctologist Tapped to Conduct Impartial Probe of Gaza Flotilla Incident
The United Nations, finally making a decision based on logic, have appointed the world’s best proctologist, Dr. Cosmo Azman, to conduct the flotilla probe.

Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu met with his cabinet Thursday to deliberate on a number of decisions, including how much cooperation Israel should afford Dr. Azman’s team, as well as whether they prefer a salty drink over a pill the size of a horse head for the pre-probe cleansing.

Dr. Azman, the UN has decided, will be probing with an old-fashion long-tubed camera (yowzer!), not the revolutionary new camera pill that a patient can simply swallow, sending it through the digestive system taking pictures along the way. The technology was developed by the Israeli company GivenImaging, and thus the pill has been deemed biased according to UN Secretary-General Ban-Ki Moon.

Likud MK Benny Begin warned Dr. Azman that while probing the Turks, he should look out for the head of Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan.

Helen Thomas Seeks Sole Creative Control of "Jew-rassic Park" Movie
With her job now in severe jeopardy, White House Correspondent and newly outed anti-Semite, Helen Thomas, has sought the rights to a new movie she has been shooting called "Jew-rassic Park". After being told that this venture has drawn shock and appall from most people, Thomas responded, “What it isn’t like I was wishing death on the Jews in the film. Jeff Goldblum makes it off the island alive. Oh, and  sorry for that but if you needed a spoiler alert warning for a movie that came out in 1993 you need to get the hell out of your house…like the Jews”.

President Obama noted his reservations about the potential blockbuster but visited the set none the less. Allegedly, after a mechanical Dilophosaurus spit tar in his face (like Newman), the President told the robotic creature he forgave him for the “clear anger you have developed thanks to the Bush Administration. Here, try again; you missed a spot on my left cheek”.

Biggest Question Still Remains: What in the hell is a “Flotilla”?
While a myriad of questions from all sides of the political spectrum have been asked since the IDF boarding and subsequent “activist” attack aboard the Gaza Flotilla, one question, a question every expert in the field is too embarrassed to ask, is yet to be answered. Political Scientists as well as officials in the US State Department have told E-Tone, on the condition of anonymity, that experts in the field still have “no idea what the hell a “flotilla” is”.

One expert charged that the word was created as a Zionist conspiracy. “Think about it. If “flotilla” isn’t a word, than the IDF cannot claim they were attacked on one”.

While code-breakers have suggested that “flotilla”, an anagram for “fall toil”, may hold the key to when the Iranians will get their nuclear weapon (fall of next year), others are more skeptical.

Professor Kobi Levi of Bar Ilan University told E-Tone, “I know it’s crazy but all I can picture is an emasculated float. Like a raft with a purse and its hair done ” (pictured above).

Monday, June 7, 2010

Foreigner Lyrics Finally Explained!!!

"Feeling down 'n' dirty, feeling kinda mean
I've been from one to another extreme...
My double vision gets the best of me"
-Foreigner "Double Vision"

  Helen Thomas                            Rev. Jeremiah Wright

Really makes you wonder what exactly is he embracing???

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Being the Tank

[DISCLAIMER: This article is not a satire. Since starting E-Tone I have fought the urge on many occasions to write a serious straightforward opinion piece. I did it on Israel Remembrance Day for obvious reasons, but have otherwise tried to refrain from straying from satire. However, I have recently come to the conclusion that there are times when satire is not enough. The freedom to laugh and joke about politics is just that, a manifestation of our personal freedoms. Thus, when I feel that the very liberty that gives me the latitude to poke fun at everything from world leaders to seminary students is threatened by tyranny and injustice, I feel the need to set the record straight in a coherent and straightforward manner. .  I will try to maintain a common theme, that of my own personal experiences as an American-born young adult living in Israel, running throughout these posts in the name of uniqueness. The charges against Israel’s right to exist will not go uncontested. A bias international community and the media it worships must be matched word for word, and I willingly accept some of that burden upon myself with honor and humility.]

Being the Tank 
In high school I spent an insurmountable amount of hours at Pro-Israel rallies in front of the Federal Building in Westwood California, toting the classic “Americans for the IDF” posters and for some inexplicable reason, pleading with the Mexican-American gardener driving by in his dusty old pick-up truck to honk if he loves Israel. Who wouldn’t want to be on the same side of a picket line with the hilarious Larry Miller, a staunch pro-Israel advocate as well as hilarious comedian and actor? A true Jewish Angelino could never pass up on advocacy and Hollywood glitterati all wrapped into one.

This past Monday night, after the Israeli Navy had killed 9 extremists in self-defense on a flotilla off of the coast of Gaza, and was summarily condemned by the majority of nations in the international community, lead by Turkey, I attended a Pro-Israel rally at the Turkish embassy in Tel Aviv. To say that Israeli passion kicks Tinsel-town’s behind would be an understatement of epic proportions. My first Israeli rally was as much an emotional revelation for me than a conceptual one. People, young and old, were not chanting for Israel as if it were a team playing in the Superbowl (I guess World Cup would be more apt) that weekend.  You could genuinely feel people of all backgrounds chanting and singing in unison for their right to exist. Songs weren’t songs but personal anthems. Posters seemed more like enlarged I.D. cards than kitschy catch-phrases scrawled on thin paper.  This is a phenomenon Americans are privileged to not have to experience (yet), but that most certainly does not mean that they do not need to learn its lesson.

On Tuesday, my Professor fielded a question from a classmate of mine that in essence was the quintessential, “why has the world turned against Israel? Why is the only democracy in the Middle East always portrayed as oppressors and aggressors? ” question. My Professor answered slowly, “Do you remember that picture of the tank and the boy (above)?  Well, Israel used to be the boy, now we are the tank”.

While “being the tank” being the reason for the world’s consistent condemnation of the Jewish state is debatable, what is not debatable is that, in reality, every single person on this earth, if placed in that actual situation, would rather be the tank than the boy. Should Israel be a light unto other nations? Absolutely it should. However, this does not mean that it must take constant abuse and terror from its enemies lying down.  Going like sheep to their slaughter does the other nations Israel is supposed to be an example for no good whatsoever.  Being the tank is not just imperative to Israel’s survival, it is imperative to Israel fulfilling its role as a bastion of G-d’s good light in a world that’s bulb is quickly flickering out.

Israel should not have to apologize for the deaths of the extremists on the flotilla. Israel does not owe Turkey, Barak Obama, or the UN an explanation for preventing their young soldiers from being beaten to death in an ambush.  It must continue to protect itself as it has since its inception, with a moral mind and a strong fist.  Stopping those that wish you harm is not “stooping to their level”, as many have charged, it punctuates the statement that that “level” (i.e. genocide and terrorism) will not be tolerated.

Perhaps the tank/boy analogy has been interpreted erroneously. The boy in the analogy is cocking his arm, poised to throw a rock at the tank. He is a loner with his own story and his own ideas. As an individual this is commendable, however the tank/boy analogy is being used to compare nations not individuals. The boy as a nation is rouge, reckless, and irrational. Only such a person would go up against a tank. Courage is not a synonym for stupidity. Israel most certainly is the tank. The tank is a large machine built for the protection of the collective. The tank has a mechanical exterior, but relies on a human interior to operate correctly.  Israel is, and must always be, the tank of the Jewish people. It must always be a literal as well as political and ideological machine run by people who understand the responsibilities it was built for; to shield and propel the Nation of Israel and the good that it stands for.

This is what I felt at the Tel Aviv rally. The 500 plus protesters all understood that the tank must not be traded for the boy. They understood, and yelled as such, that the Israeli Navy were heroes on Monday, not war criminals. Turkey, in its alliance with Iran and Hamas, embodies the rouge reckless boy-nation. Israel stands for the heroic and just tank-state.

Israel must maintain its passionate and unbending identity, it is what separates it from all other nations, and must be a source of pride not shame. In America, a person carries an Identification Card (unless you are an illegal immigrant of course), in Israel it’s a Teudat Zehut, or a certificate of identity. Identity, not identification, is Israel’s keystone of greatness and it must be protected at all costs.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Pro-Israel Protest Sign Ideas

In light of the many pro-Israel rallies against the Turkish Government bound to be organized in the next few days, E-Tone thought it would share a few ideas for creative protest signs! This is a group exercise, so please send in your own ideas and we will put the best ones up!