Tuesday, December 9, 2008

When Will the Tide Turn?

Laundry is a pain in the butt. Especially for a couple hundred smelly soldiers. It is clear that this detergent dilemma was the primary reason for the Israeli Government’s inaction in Mumbai last week.

Tekes season is in full swing in Israel (a tekes is a military ceremony for a unit after it has finished a level of training that usually involves the good soldiers trying to peruse the crowd for attractive women and the gimpy soldiers playing in the tekes band…and you think William Hung is bad!) and nothing is more sacred. That is why the news that approximately a dozen Israeli citizens were being held hostage in last week’s terror attacks in Mumbai could not have come at a more inconvenient time. A military rescue operation could have set the military laundr-o-mat back for weeks! With break-neck efficiency the Israeli Knesset chose to do nothing, entrusting their citizens to the Indian Terror Task-Force (ranked 145th over-all by Jack Bauer Weekly and apparently armed with no more than Slurpee Straws) sparing the country eight living citizens, a nerve-wrecking night in front of their televisions, and millions of shekels in fabric softener. Amos Kevisa, Deputy General of Dry-cleaning, went before the Knesset last Thursday pleading, “Please not again! We have just recovered from Entebbe!” Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert, displaying his trademark compassion for this down-trodden shirt-presser, responded in a hush, “ah, yes, Entebbe. What a shame about that Yoni Netanyahu, blood is impossible to get out of cotton. You are right, Never Again!” Blood was not the army’s only concern. In a country where all the food is curry-centric, emissions from the top to the bottom of the body were a major concern (Major Elad Tachtone, Delicates Brigade, that is).

There were some reports that the army was contemplating dispatching soldiers with aprons, however, by the time the strategy reached the upper echelons of the government it was Friday, right before the Sabbath, and homemaking mothers across the country had wiped the shelves clean of all the aprons, disposable or otherwise. The government has made several attempts to publicly blame Jewish mothers for the death of the hostages but they have been met with far more truculent guilt-throwing than they had prepared for (a disconcertingly increasing trait). In particular, Jewish Mothers spokeswoman Rachel Emahot countered the allegations with a surprising show of sympathy, telling channel 2 news, “My thoughts and prayers are with Mr. Olmert’s mother… I am sure she was hoping for a doctor.”

With many tekesim (plural of tekes, it’s a funny language I know) on the docket this week, look for the army to boast of successful decision making (rumor has it a new ad campaign is in the works bearing the slogan, “The best bullet dodged is the one you sold to your enemies and then choose not to face”. Stay tuned for the t-shirt and bumper-sticker order website!) during the Mumbai crisis. The soldiers will all be standing at attention with their uniforms pressed and pretty, not a speck of sweat, dirt, or blood to be found. Commenting on the excitement over tekes season, Foreign Affairs Minster and the designated Acting Prime Minister of Israel Tzipi Livni exalted, “It will be a day that shines as bright as the polished new pins bestowed upon the soldiers. A glorious celebration of the Israeli Army’s prestigious appearance. What else is an army for?!?”

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