Monday, March 8, 2010

Israel Places Natalie Portman on Heritage List; Arabs, U.S., Obi-Wan Fuming

In what appears to be yet another inflammatory move made by the Netanyahu Government regarding the Heritage List, The Prime Minister of Israel informed the media Wednesday night that Israel would be adding Natalie Portman to the inventory. The Israeli-born Oscar nominated actress will join other controversial additions to the list such as the Cave of Patriarchs and Rachel’s Tomb, in an effort to preserve and renovate Israel’s most culturally significant landmarks. In a statement Wednesday the PM expounded on his decision to add Portman to the list; “The land of Israel is oozing with landmarks that connect to defining moments in Israeli and Jewish history. Tel-Hai will forever be memorialized for Trumpeldor’s cry that “it’s good to die for one’s country”. The Cave of the Patriarchs is ingrained in our collective religious subconscious as the burial ground Abraham refused to purchase for anything less than “its full price”. Natalie’s stellar bemoaning that she “can’t feel anything anymore” after V tortured her in “V for Vendetta” (spoiler alert!) is no less significant to the people of Israel. We will continue to honor our heritage no matter the backlash.”

Backlash is precisely what Israel is getting, and from a broad range of camps. The U.S. State Department warned that this gesture could be perceived as an attempt to annex U.S. property (Portman currently lives in New York City), which America considers an act of war. President Obama’s senior adviser David Axelrod echoed this sentiment warning, “Portman appears to be Israel’s Sudetenland. If we weren’t on the verge of passing revolutionary health care reform and creating almost a billion jobs we would take a good hard look at our foreign policy and respond accordingly.”

The Arab camp has been in an uproar as expected, though the reason is not immediately clear. Portman has no Arab blood whatsoever and has never even portrayed an Arab in a film. One Tel-Aviv University professor, speaking in anonymity for fear of flagellation, is working out a theory and has shared it with E-Tone; “After extensive phone calls with Blockbuster and Netflix I have seemed to uncover a little known fact. It would appear that the West Bank is the only region in the world that has had over 5 rentals of “Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium”. Portman and Dustin Hoffman’s kooky magical toy shop really seems to strike a chord with ancient Arab traditions.” On Thursday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called out Israel as fabricators of history once again; “The Zionists continue to exaggerate the facts in their ongoing quest for world domination. “Closer” was not a movie, I would barely even call it a made-for-TV-movie.”

In a bizarre twist to this story, Portman’s inclusion on the list has brought two warring camps together under the banner of protest. The Clones and the Jedi, currently locked in a Clone War, have both vehemently opposed Israel’s move, pausing the fighting for the time being. The Clones, associating Portman’s character Queen Amidala with the Rebel Jedi camp, has called for her immediate arrest as a criminal of war. C4H53, the clone’s spokesman, told E-Tone that he has recently sent a hologram message to the Goldstone Commission requesting the addition of Portman to the investigation into Israel’s conduct during its most recent war. The Jedi are weary of Portman, knowing that she eventually will be the mother of their near-destruction. “Meesa thinks Israels a no good, putting Vader’s momma on da list” Rebel fighter Jar Jar Binks charged at an anti-Israel rally attended by Wookies, Ewoks, and a number of Arab Kenesst Members.

Israel faces similar opposition later this week, when it is expected to announce its rejection of adding White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, who is of Israeli decent, to the Heritage List, despite the Obama Administration’s vehement pleas of “take him, please please take him!”


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