Wednesday, April 21, 2010

INTERVIEW: New Study Claims Root of Arab Anger towards Israel due to “Birthday Party Snub”

Researchers at New York University claim to have made a breakthrough in solving perhaps the most troubling question in modern-day global history. The ever elusive root of Arab animosity towards the State of Israel and the Western World has puzzled generation after generation. No doubt, reasons have been suggested in the past, but even the explanations offered by the Arabs themselves are blatant fallacies they can’t possibly expect anyone to believe. I mean, seriously, no one is dumb enough to buy into the claim that they are “being oppressed and occupied” by Israel while concurrently holding Israel at rocket-point up and down its borders, right?! Conversely, it is unfathomable to believe that Hamas and Hezbollah are genocide-thirsty extremists who will stop at nothing short of Israel’s disappearance from the map, as some crazy Israelis might espouse. Come on, everyone knows Hezbollah is a government now. How can a government ALSO be a terrorist faction?! Who are you trying to fool Israel?!
The new report, published Wednesday morning, asserts that for one to understand the source of Arab-Israeli hostilities one need not engage in a century by century historical study of the Middle East, but merely a look at events that occurred no less than 24 hours ago. For a more in-depth analysis into this groundbreaking study, E-Tone sat down with the project’s lead researcher, Professor Christopher McGahan, Wednesday morning:

ET: So what’s the main finding of this report?

CM: Tuesday marked Israel’s 62nd year of statehood, and the country’s annual Yom Ha’atzmaut (Independence Day) celebration did not disappoint. How could this not breed deep seeded hate within the Arab community?

ET: I’m afraid I still don’t understand. How could Israel’s Independence Day celebration be at all connected to Arab hate?

CM: It’s simple. When I turned ten my mom threw me an awesome party. I had a mad scientist come over my house and he taught me and my friends how to make that green gooey stuff that ten year olds are so enamored with (Editors note: that “gooey” stuff is now the subject of many lawsuits due to its toxicity. If you have ever come in contact with the goo and have noticed strange hair-growth patterns contact a doctor immediately, as well as Larry H. Parker Esq.-”He’ll Fight For You!”). The next day everyone brought the goo to school, thus making my party the talk of the playground. I was feeling like pretty hot stuff until I ran into Little Ralphie in the hallway. Little Ralphie lived down the block from me but we were never close. He was a loner and a belligerent one at that. He did not enjoy outside contact of any form. So, when it was time to send out party invitations, Little Ralphie naturally got passed over. That turned out to be an error in judgment on my part. Little Ralphie (who if you haven’t guessed wasn’t all that little) pinned me up against the lockers and growled. He did some other things with some of the goo he had stolen from another kid but if I’m not ready to share it with my therapist, I am not ready to share it with you, but I digress. The growl was not half as frightening as the hate in his eyes. This was the same unadulterated hate I recognized last week while watching Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah speaking to a crowd calling for the murder of Israeli soldiers and the destruction of the evil Zionist entity. It was then that I made the connection.

ET: How can we know that this report is not biased?

CM: Come on, we are an American university, what’s bias got to do with it?

ET: You’re right, my bad. Please continue.

CM: Right well it is clear that PA President Mahmoud Abbas is sick of being picked last for kickball. It is obvious that Nasrallah is sick of sitting alone at lunch. Israel is the smallest country on the block; the Arabs are astounded that they would be excluded from the festivities. Additionally, it is common knowledge that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad LOVES bouncy castles. 

ET: So what are the proofs of this theory?

CM: A number of Arab actions in recent history indicate that our findings are on target. After the September 11th attacks, as well as the massacre at the Yeshiva of Rav Kook the Arabs took to the streets singing, dancing, and showering kids with candy. Whether this is an attempt to show Israel they can party like its 1999, or a slight for not being invited is unclear, but either way it’s compelling. Another example, the homicide bomber tactic, works two-fold. For the kiddies, the Arabs are showing that they can throw a great surprise party. For the adults, they exhibit their stripping skills. Furthermore, we all know that pinning a tail is the least of what they can do with a donkey. The most damning evidence is a tape sent by Osama Ben Ladin to Israel last week. He warned, “Either let us RAISE the roof, or we will RAZE the roof!” 

ET: Does this clear inferiority complex have an official medical name?

CM: Yes it is called International Traumatic Syndrome caused by Birthday Snub, or “ITS-BS” for short.

ET: So has this study led you to any possible solutions to the Middle East crisis?

CM: Well I don’t believe the “invitation got lost in the mail” move is going to work in this instance. Of course, I didn’t invite Little Ralphie to my next party or any other party after that. I would not expect the Israelis to invite the Arabs over any time soon. It is a problem with no clear-cut solution, however one truth is self-evident. Israel may as well send an invitation to Little Barak O. from the other side of town because he is going to show up whether he is invited or not. 

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