Sunday, April 25, 2010

Breaking News: Israel Avoids Wave of iPad Terrorism


Israeli officials announced Sunday morning that they had fixed all technical problems and were lifting the ban on the world’s hottest techno-toy, the Apple iPad, previously banned due to an apparent conflict with Israel’s internet frequencies. Israel’s dash to confiscate any and every iPad brought into the country earlier this month led many to believe that the damage the iPad could inflict may have been more serious than reported, including perhaps damage to the military sector. Though the Israeli government has denied any correlation between the iPad problem and the IDF, Israel’s enemies had deemed it worthwhile to gamble on what could have been a revolutionary type of terrorism.

According to reports, Hamas placed an order for 200 iPads nearly two weeks ago, roughly coinciding with Israel's announcement of the ban. Included in the order were a corresponding number of personalized iPad skins (that's those plastic covers you put on electronic things for all you old people). 100 were designed in the colors of the PLO flag, 90 with a picture of Yasser Arafat, and 10 emblazoned with a smiling Richard Goldstone.

Arch-terrorist Ayman Muhammad Rabi’ Al-Zawahiri lamented Israel’s alleviation of the problem, crushed by the crumbling of the prospect of a new frontier in terrorism. “It is egregious that Israel is allowed to continually decimate any advancement attempted by our people. We try to build a house, they bulldoze it down. We try to build a road, the roadblock it. Now, we try to make advancements in the field of our most successful export, terrorism, and again the Zionist pigs have impeded our progress and taken our hope. This is a Human Rights violation of epic proportions”. UN Chairman Ban Kai Moon agreed. His office released a brief statement saying, “we will be looking into this matter further as the details emerge. But for now I must wonder, how can Israel expect the Palestinians to build and sustain their own economy if they do not allow them to play to their strengths?”

Al-Jazeera Television interviewed 12 year old Ismael Jabrall, a student in the Hamas Day School for Terror and Technologies, who was absolutely crestfallen at the Israeli’s “vicious attempt to undermine the PA and President Abbas” as well. “I should have known better. I mean I’m pretty sure Steve Jobs is Jewish”. When asked by reporters what about iPad Terror was so promising, Ismael, a little verklempt (meaning "choked up" for non-Mike Myers fans…talk amongst yourselves), whimpered “My life could have finally been different. I grew up in a refugee camp and never had much fun. With the iPad, I could have traced my targets, communicated with my co-conspirators, activated my explosives, and download the most recent songs from this week’s episode of Glee all at the same time! I am truly heartbroken that all that promise has gone down the drain”.

Apple has not yet made a statement at press time, however there are rumors of a commercial being scratched from a lineup set to air in the Middle East later this week. The commercial allegedly featured the voice of former President Jimmy Carter narrating a new version of Apples now iconic commercials.“Say you wanted to spill the blood of the Zionists while distracting the world of Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weapons…there’s an app for that”. 

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