Monday, May 3, 2010

Senator Mitchell: Refugees are Going to Disney World!

Releasing a 3D animated video last week mocking the father of captured soldier Gilad Shalit, Hamas intended to intimidate and ridicule the Israeli government and its people. At first glance this move seemingly advanced Hamas’s ever-present efforts to impede the peace process in the Middle East. It now appears, however, that they have unintentionally advanced the process more than ever before.

In a press conference Monday, US Senator, and appointed mediator between the Palestinians and Israelis during this week’s upcoming proximity talks (named no doubt for their close proximity to failure), George Mitchell announced that the two sides have reached an accord on one of the negotiations most severe issues before the talks have even commenced. “In light of the video released by Hamas last week, and in anticipation of this week’s negotiations, we are proud to announce that we have solved the refugee crisis. With the Palestinians new found display of animation and imagination skills, the refugees in Gaza and the West Bank will now be transferred to the happiest place on earth. No not Chris Matthew’s room of self-portraits, no not Michael Moore’s kitchen pantry, the refugees are going to Disney World!”

A few hundred of the refugees will reportedly be assigned to various jobs at the Disney/Pixar studios in Orlando, Florida. Naturally, they will be given a course by Human Resources to help ease the always challenging transition from making films aimed at terrorizing and degrading human beings to making charming and intelligent flicks that leave kids and adults alike feeling warm and fuzzy inside.When asked by reporters what the remaining refugees were to do, Mitchell rattled off a number of other tasks to be offered to the newcomers, including portraying Aladdin and Princess Jasmine, as well as replacing the robot dolls in the Arabia section of the fan favorite “It’s a Small World” attraction.

In anticipation of the refugee’s arrival, Disney World staff has had all of those humongous and obscene, yet somehow incredibly popular, turkey legs, that are so viciously munched on around the park, Halal certified.

Hamas has expressed its reservations, citing their, “great anticipation for Ratatouille, and we all saw how that turned out.” Their denial of Pixar’s ability to still produce fantastic films, such as Up! and Wall-e, appears to be a page right out of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s Holocaust-denying playbook. The plan has also drawn criticism from an unexpected source. When asked what his response would be if he was asked next year “you have just won the Superbowl, what are you going to do next?” 2009 Superbowl winner Drew Brees responded, “I’ll probably just take the family to Universal Studios or something”. Toy Story star Buzz Lightyear was more optimistic, quoted as saying he hoped this solution would put to rest this ever-troublesome issue for “infinity and beyond!”

This, of course, is not the first time the Obama Administration has attempted to contract the help of the Magical Kingdom for the purposes of transfer. The refugees would likely be house just feet away from the prison in the Pirates of the Carrabin ride, where Attorney General Eric Holder suggested the US transfer the prisoners of Guantanamo Bay.  The deal fell through after the dog with the keys that guards the jail apparently rejected the release of bloodthirsty murderers into his fictional population.  It is also rumored that to put himself through law school, the President once applied to be one of the carriages shaped like Dumbo on the ride bearing the same name.

Not all is sour between the Obama White House and Disney however. Disneyland officials in Anaheim California have announced that the president’s foreign policy will be on display this summer at the theme park's timeless themed land, Fantasyland.

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