Thursday, May 6, 2010

Judge Grants AG Holder 15 Minuet Recess After He Began Litigating for the Defense

United States Attorney General Eric Holder was granted a 15 minuet recess Thursday afternoon after his head nearly exploded. Apparently, while trying a case against an unrepentant Muslim terrorist, the AG continuously found himself drifting over to the defense table. When first questioned about this strange behavior by the judge, Holder claimed “I was sure I saw a Jr. Mint over by the table; you know they can be very refreshing”. It soon became clear, however, that Holder was engaged in a violent inner struggle. This is hardly the first time he has been suspected of sympathizing with enemy combatants (I sometimes wish all the things I write on this blog are a joke, but alas, this is not one of them).

While questioning the forensic specialist, the People’s star witness, the AG abruptly objected to his own questions on a number of grounds including leading the witness and being racist (like a bizarro Fletcher Reede).

Some feel that this crisis in representation could have been averted had the early signed been heeded. Apparently, during jury selection, Holder struck a perspective juror from the list because “it appeared as though he would agree with me, and come on, that’s not a fair trial”. 

Holder also spent most of his closing argument making a concerted effort to show the jury that though he was speaking with conviction, he did have his fingers crossed behind his back (like good ‘ol Groucho Marx, ehh old people, this blog is for you too!).

When questioned by reporters after the jury went into deliberations, a number of reporters called attention to some blue ink on Holder’s forehead. It was later discovered that when wiping sweat from his forehead (he did this every time his cross-examination was going too well) the ink had rubbed off of a note Holder had written on his hand that read “America=good”, a trick he credited to First Lady Michelle Obama.

Holder apparently requested that the judge hold him in contempt a number of times, and only withdrew his request after repeatedly being reminded that it would be a waste of tax dollars since the American people already have that covered.

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