UN Demands Impartial Probe of BP for “Unlawful Attempts to Plug Oil Spill"

The United Nations, in a statement Monday, finally threw their hats in the ring regarding the BP oil spill, though it was not in the capacity many had anticipated. UN Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon, at a press conference in New York, called for an investigation into the “unlawful attempts of BP to plug the oil spill”. 

“The oil rig has been in that ocean for many years. BP invaded it in 2008 and have been occupying it ever since. Instead of making sure they care for the rig, providing for it and protecting it, they have neglected it and are clearly suffering nothing more than the consequences of their actions. I heard they were considering building a wall around the leak, yes a wall, hey BP, South Africa called, they want their apartheid back. But seriously, the United Nations vehemently rejects the claim that attempts to plug the spill are in the interests of self-defense and self-preservation. The world has already seen too much atrocity in the name of “self-defense””.

A number of organizations have openly decried this newest UN condemnation as part of a continuous pattern of misplacing blame when dealing with international incidents. While BP has scrambled to prove it has done all that was expected of them to ensure the rigs wellbeing, a minority of voices have been accusing the US government, the true ruling authority over the rig, of being negligent. “The Obama regime has been the elected government, with authority over the Gulf Coast States for the past 18 Months. BP has afforded all available resources to the rig since they purchased it. If the rig decided to spill, it is due to the, "indifferent" at best, "damaging" at worst, treatment it has received from the Obama White House,” Abraham H. Foxman, ADL National Director, told reporters Monday night. “Why would the expectations for fair treatment and upkeep fall on the shoulders of any other organization before it falls on the shoulders of the elected officials?”

Legislation, originating out of Turkey, has been rapidly passing through the various UN councils,. The resolution calls for the allowance of more oil to spill into the gulf, unimpeded by the “oppressive and apartheid-like rule of BP emergency officials”.

President Obama signed this soon-to-be resolution Tuesday morning, reportedly muttering to himself, “now where have I seen this before?”