Thursday, June 10, 2010

Flotilla Fiasco Update: Proctologists, Dinosaurs, and Female Flotation

Over a week has gone by since the flotilla disaster. E-Tone though it best to update you on the latest news stemming from the catastrophe:

Proctologist Tapped to Conduct Impartial Probe of Gaza Flotilla Incident
The United Nations, finally making a decision based on logic, have appointed the world’s best proctologist, Dr. Cosmo Azman, to conduct the flotilla probe.

Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu met with his cabinet Thursday to deliberate on a number of decisions, including how much cooperation Israel should afford Dr. Azman’s team, as well as whether they prefer a salty drink over a pill the size of a horse head for the pre-probe cleansing.

Dr. Azman, the UN has decided, will be probing with an old-fashion long-tubed camera (yowzer!), not the revolutionary new camera pill that a patient can simply swallow, sending it through the digestive system taking pictures along the way. The technology was developed by the Israeli company GivenImaging, and thus the pill has been deemed biased according to UN Secretary-General Ban-Ki Moon.

Likud MK Benny Begin warned Dr. Azman that while probing the Turks, he should look out for the head of Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan.

Helen Thomas Seeks Sole Creative Control of "Jew-rassic Park" Movie
With her job now in severe jeopardy, White House Correspondent and newly outed anti-Semite, Helen Thomas, has sought the rights to a new movie she has been shooting called "Jew-rassic Park". After being told that this venture has drawn shock and appall from most people, Thomas responded, “What it isn’t like I was wishing death on the Jews in the film. Jeff Goldblum makes it off the island alive. Oh, and  sorry for that but if you needed a spoiler alert warning for a movie that came out in 1993 you need to get the hell out of your house…like the Jews”.

President Obama noted his reservations about the potential blockbuster but visited the set none the less. Allegedly, after a mechanical Dilophosaurus spit tar in his face (like Newman), the President told the robotic creature he forgave him for the “clear anger you have developed thanks to the Bush Administration. Here, try again; you missed a spot on my left cheek”.

Biggest Question Still Remains: What in the hell is a “Flotilla”?
While a myriad of questions from all sides of the political spectrum have been asked since the IDF boarding and subsequent “activist” attack aboard the Gaza Flotilla, one question, a question every expert in the field is too embarrassed to ask, is yet to be answered. Political Scientists as well as officials in the US State Department have told E-Tone, on the condition of anonymity, that experts in the field still have “no idea what the hell a “flotilla” is”.

One expert charged that the word was created as a Zionist conspiracy. “Think about it. If “flotilla” isn’t a word, than the IDF cannot claim they were attacked on one”.

While code-breakers have suggested that “flotilla”, an anagram for “fall toil”, may hold the key to when the Iranians will get their nuclear weapon (fall of next year), others are more skeptical.

Professor Kobi Levi of Bar Ilan University told E-Tone, “I know it’s crazy but all I can picture is an emasculated float. Like a raft with a purse and its hair done ” (pictured above).

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