Thursday, June 24, 2010
Israel to Adopt Vampire Motif In Effort To Boost Teenage American Tourism
The latest in a list of increasingly predictable Obama Administration Mid-East blunders may have been resolved late Wednesday night. Following the now infamous flotilla-gate, the White House had demanded Israel ease the Gaza blockade on both land and sea. Then, after Israel’s compliance with the order, the administration issued a warning to Americans, cautioning them to avoid traveling to Israel because it’s dangerous now that the blockade is lifted (one must conclude that logic must not be one of the requirements for community organizing).
This completely rational and founded warning had put the Israeli economy, one that relies heavily on tourism during the summer (money from American kids and new citizens conceived on Birthright buses), at serious risk. However, an American image consultant may have found a way for the Holy Land to attract young tourists despite the government’s cautions.
Starting July 1st Israel plans to adopt a vampire motif, a seemingly unstoppable fad ravaging American youth, in an effort to bring the kids back to the Promised Land Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu appealed to the Israeli people in a television address Wednesday night to “trade in your entrecote steaks for wooden ones, you M-16 bullets for silver ones, and your chick-peas for garlic”.
The Israeli government has also put in a request for Sarah Michelle Geller, the Jewish actress better known as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to behead Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. President Obama, through his affirmative action program, had suggested Wesley Snipes.
In an attempt to yet again one-up the Netanyahu government, Kadima officials have announced opposition leader Tzipi Livini’s plans to have fang implants. Livini told her staffers Wednesday that “not only will the fangs help with the vampire thing, but it will also help me get an even firmer grasp on Obama’s ass”.
Efforts to temporarily rename Herzliya “Herzlvania” have been squashed due to public outcry as has the request to temporarily refer to every time of day in Israel as “twilight”. In a rare showing of unity, devout Jews and Muslims alike decried the “twilight” plan due to the confusions it would cause in prayer scheduling. “We think the unity shown by Haredim and Sunnis today is a true step in the right direction. The united and organized mobility of two incredibly influential sects in the Middle East can only been seen as progress. Who says we don’t understand the region?” White House advisor David Axelrod told reporters yesterday .
It remains unclear if this newest plan by Israel will end up a larger vampire disaster than ABC’s upcoming summer filler and near NBA Finals ruining television show “The Gates”...but it's doubtful.
Posted by Doni Kandel