Friday, March 26, 2010

White House Considering Merger With Fox Television

A number of officials in the upper echelons of the Obama White House have informed E-Tone that President Obama is considering accepting an offer to merge with Fox Television. Fox TV has been highly successful in recent years and many experts believe that a merger with Fox could help President Obama boost both his, as well as the Democratic Party’s, popularity before the upcoming crucial November midterm elections.

Fox would provide Obama with a number of fresh resources to help implement a number of thus far highly controversial policies which are in danger of becoming toxic. One of the policies that has faced a high level of opposition was the President’s decision to try Guantanamo Bay Terrorists, such as 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, in civilian courtrooms with all the comforts of due process (after all I’m sure these “defendants” are big fans of the constitution that affords them these rights, right?). In order to give this policy a fresh new face Fox has proposed that the terrorists are instead judged by the wildly popular judge’s panel of American Idol. Randy Jackson could soon be saying, “Yo dog, for you, for me, for you dog it felt like you were forcin’ the whole death to infidels thing. Just didn’t work for me for you dog”. There is some concern that Obama will waiver due to the recent news that Idol judge Kara DioGuardi’s father, Joseph DioGuardi, a former Republican House Representative will be running for senate (for real, check it out). However, most experts believe that Obama will not be able to turn away from a liberal dream-team staff consisting of an African-American, a Lesbian, and a European. (There are rumors that Ryan Seacrest will host the next State of the Union Address, but at press time this remains unconfirmed).

In another effort to bolster foreign and defense policy the creators of the hit Fox program 24 have offered their expertise should the merger happen. President Obama seemed non-committal at best when asked about this offer on Tuesday, insisting that it “is not Mr. Bauer’s unconventional methods of interrogations, deplorable though they are, as much as it is the history of African American presidents on the show. I would like to not only out-serve, but outlive, both Palmer  presidents”. He added that he thought Season 4 arch-villain Habib Marwan could have been stopped in the early episodes had President Charles Logan just enforced some “good old fashion sanctions when he had the chance”.

News of the potential merger was welcomed with open arms by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi told reporters earlier in the week that she would be more than willing to reprise here role on the Fox affiliate FX program Nip/Tuck (we think shes had enough, don't you?).

With the President signing the new healthcare bill into law this week the atmosphere on the set of Fox’s hit medical drama House could turn hostile post-merger. The cast and crew are apparently livid that the free clinic patients, treated by Dr. House, as a form of comic relief for both him and the audience, will now be covered in the new healthcare bill to be the main focus of an episode (literally spreading the wealth).

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel was reportedly very excited about the merger, telling reporters, “I would just love to meet the brilliant protagonist of Glee, Sue Sylvester. She is everything a modern day hero must be” (she isn’t).
While the possibility of a merger grows more likely with every day there is reportedly one misconception by the President that may need to be clarified before any final agreement can be reached. When asked at a press conference what his favorite Fox program was, the President answered “while I truly love So You Think You Can Dance, I must say my favorite is that satirical Fox News channel. Wow, those guys really give SNL’s Weekend Update a run for their money. Oh man, the characters disgust for the President is so believable. I would HATE to be that guy!”              


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